When I woke you up today
had no idea you'd go away
and not a clue the words you'd say
or that that you'd murder me that way
And looking back don't help at all
there were no signs you'd ever fall,
and now this tragedy befalls
a heart already free of walls
So I walk on out alone,
on off into the great unknown,
I wonder if you'll think of me,
and wonder where I've gone to be
But if you take a look around,
and listen closely to the sound
I hope you'll know how much I cared,
and realize I'm everywhere
The times we shared can be no more,
now that we've bolted up the door
My soul has been changed to its core
in losing all that it adored
But I'm not even asking why,
I don't want you to have to lie.
I don't want you to see me cry
though something deep in me has died
So as you're walking out alone
without me into the unknown
Just know I'll always think of you,
and how you make the dreaming true
I know that in my life I'll see
soft traces of your love for me
I'll see you drifting here and there,
because for me you're everywhere.
If I could just go back and change
I'd let you tool and rearrange
me into a more fair exchange
but now that hope's gone out of range
I hope the life you chose is blessed
and not so cold like all the rest
And if you ever reinvest
please remember my request
So as we're walking out alone
separately into the unknown
I wonder if we'll make it through,
now that the we are me and you
And if you ever change you mind
you know I won't be hard to find
because you knew how much I cared
for you I will be everywhere
Yes, still for me you're everywhere
Author notes
Didn't really follow a prompt. It was more of a feeling of what it's like to "have been in love, have lost love or to want love desperately.", as I believe you put it. Decently stated, by the way. Had to change the final line of the last "chorus". It was really bugging me.
A contest entry
- ♥ Pure hearts ♥ by Inside.
650 points, ended June 5, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I hope that it's appreciated by she who should appreciate it.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Wow this poem is amazing, it flows truly and has great rhymes.
I was able to read it aloud with out stopping too many times, which in my opinion shows how much work you put into this. I found you kept each line at a perfect length and that it didn't feel forced at all (As so many poems do).
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This is such a sweet, loving piece. I too hope it is appreciated by her. It speaks of so much that was and could still be. Good luck in the contest.
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Very Emotional!
This poem is so full of emotion, I could feel the pain and despair!
I only see two things that could possibly use fixing. In line 45 the second you should be your. And I don't feel like line 49 really flows like the rest of the poem does. You could almost omit it, but if you don't want to you could always change it to something like "For me, you are everywhere." Or "Yes, for me you're everywhere". Something like that.
Other than those two things this is an amazing write! I loved it so much, I can't wait to read more of your poems!
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Much appreciated.
Actually, you were dead on for line 45, that was a typo, and I appreciate the catch. As far as line 49, it could be omitted. The thing to remember is that it's actually a song written for someone who means more to me than she can ever possibly know, because it's more than even I can manage to find words for. The line at the end is something that is softly repeated at the end. There are also a lot of la-da-da-da-dadada-da-di's in it, but those I agreed needed exclusion. Again, thanks for the comment.
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Did you.....
Want a critique from a friend, someone that's been in love with you, or both? K From a friend, there is only one line I would change. 3 rd stanza, last line, I think that it would read better if it said "inside of me", that is just a personal preference for the way it sounds out loud... as the person who was in love with you for years, don't touch it!!! -
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You should hear this. I think you'd like it, even if it was written for another. It's something we would have enjoyed more than DMB on more than one occasion.
HG -
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Guess what?
Something doesn't have to be written, for, or about me for me to enjoy it and the thought process that my friend has put into it!! I would LOVE TO HEAR it and as for enjoying it more than DMB, I am not so sure, you know how I love my Dave!!!
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the rythm of this poem reminds me of a blue october song. It's really pretty good. There were a few lines that really stuck out. Nice job.
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