Fear

Sometimes when I’m with you all my troubles seem so far away, but sometimes I do think, of what may happen in the future. As happy as I am, and no matter how blessed I’m feeling now, the future is yet to come. I want to believe that nothing is going to come between us, that we’re going to be together forever, that someday I will have the happy ending that I’ve always dreamed of. It hurts pretending that I can accept whatever negativity that comes from your mouth once in a blue moon. About our future, about how it is impossible for us to end up together, to get kids and all. I try hard not to look like I care even though it becomes more and more painful to digest as time goes by. I know there’s no use wishing that we believe in the same religion, the same faith for we are two different people. There’s a saying, that sometimes fate unites two people only to break them apart, I wish we’re not under that category. But I don’t know. The truth is I’m scared. And all I want is to spend as much time as I can with you. Seeing how life is treating us right now, spending much time with you seems like a castle in the air. What seems so easy and achievable before is like so hard to be fulfilled. It’s getting further and further away from me. I miss hanging out with you, spending time with you, talking and laughing all night long. We’ve not done that for a long time. And I wonder if you notice.  Call me selfish. You and I both know that I’m well aware of that. I’m sorry I can’t help it. I love you. Too much. I’m starting to hate fate. I know I shouldn’t. It’s just that sometimes I don’t think it’s fair. I’m so lucky, but so unlucky at the same time. The happiness of being with you is indescribable; I can’t imagine how the pain of losing you will feel like. I don’t wish for it to happen. But who are we to decide? Who are we to fight against destiny? I can force you into saying that everything’s going to be alright, that we will fight and win again like we used to, that you and I ARE going to get married and have children. That you’d do that for me, you’d fight for me, just to make myself feel better hearing all those coming out from your mouth. But I’m not stupid. As much as I wish I’m a genius, I wish I’m not when it comes to this. I wish I’m that naive to actually believe that. I don’t want to lose hope. You know I won’t just give up. As annoying as you can be, as annoying as I can be, I love you. But the fact remains, I’m scared. I’m scared of defeat. Of losing the best thing that has ever happened to my life. Warriors aren’t afraid of anything; to win or lose and to live or die. I am no warrior. I’m scared.