ephemeral
like any other
dangling dahlia
or indolent daisy
we meet,
in a supermarket
of reds and greens
yellows and oranges,
and
mitigate the pressure
by fumbling for fruit.
mercurial as a nymph
your eyes run to mine
than fall turned
back into your head.
and i,
ever the ill-perceived
fervid satyr,
am left
to pocket the change
and escape
through sliding glass panes.
Author notes
A nymph is an extremely shy mythological creature, existing primarily in Greek mythology. "Nymphs are the frequent target of satyrs. They live in mountains and groves, by springs and rivers, also in trees and in valleys and cool grottoes. They are frequently associated with the superior divinities: the huntress Artemis; the prophetic Apollo; the reveller and god of wine, Dionysus; and rustic gods such as Pan and Hermes." (Wikipedia) In modern days, a nymph has a sexual connotation, because nymphs were also believed to mate with human men and woman whenever it pleased their fancies.
A satyr is a male creature formed like a human from his head to his torso, and having a goats legs and hooves. These creatures are often associated with fertility and the sex-drive. "Satyrs are described as roguish but faint-hearted folk — subversive and dangerous, yet shy and cowardly. As Dionysiac creatures [followers of the god Dyonosis, god of wine] they are lovers of wine and women, and they are ready for every physical pleasure. " (Wikipedia)
A contest entry
- X Factor 2: Top 24 Final Auditions - Group B by sideways hourglass.
400 points, ended April 23, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
I loved the gentle, mesmerized feel I got from this write. What I didn't get from this write was depth. The imagery and use of language was well executed but came up short of evoking any intrigue in the piece as a whole.
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
Cohesion 9/10
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
Impact/Reaction 8/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 4/5
overall opinion: 4/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 90 -
"fumbling for fruit" was a little... fumbly? I didn't particularly like that phrase. Also, in the third stanza, 'than' should be 'then'. Other than that, I really enjoyed this. The transitions of images struggle somewhat to create a whole, especially with the third stanza, but I thought the whole thing was quite lovely. First stanza is beautiful.
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
Cohesion 8/10
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10 - This is what could have made your poem x factor...
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 4/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 92
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90
I like the simplicity of this. I have to admit that I was hoping for deeper (emotionally speaking) but what you have here is pretty good.
Originality 9/10
Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
Impact/Reaction 8/10
mechanics: 4/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 90
-
I loved this.
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