Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

son, i loved you at your darkest

 

He awoke, breathing air into lungs, singing choruses in teardrops.

Yet in his vulnerability, he still had depravity on his mind.

 

And so his tale begins...

 

 

i. Greed

 

The ideas, they cloud his thought.

He just wants more, give him more.

And maybe this time, all his hopes and dreams

will drown along with his soul.

 

The dollars and cents have chained him

to what's not really there.

 

 

ii. Gluttony

 

 

The innards crave for the Devil's food.

Temptations become actions, as they pour into him.

[every cheap hooker wine or piece of pie]

 

You just can't stop and you don't know why.

[You don't want to stop and you don't care why]

 

 

iii. Wrath

 

 

Borders have been crossed and boundry lines erased,

reconsiliation is too late.

He can feel the surge of adrenaline and hate,

all the pain and aggravation, rising up from deep within.

 

This will not go unpunished.

 

 

iv. Envy

 

 

Green eyes deny happiness for all who exist.

He can't fathom why you should have it if it isn't also on his wrist.

[or in his driveway, in his back account]

 

The distate for your happy suburbia and great city life

becomes an all consuming pain in his side.

One that turns a man to Scrooge and devours his insides.

 

 

v. Lust

 

 

He's allured by her sensations and all her feel good places,

but can't comprehend that she's really tearing him up inside.

Pretty little eyes hide and dark and cold soul,

just waiting for another man to capture and collect.

 

Her body never stops talking,

and you never stop picking up the phone.

 

 

vi. Sloth

 

 

Why should he even care?

He thinks about all that needs to be done

and instead, he sleeps it off.

 

His apathy is aggressive and he knows it too.

No one can convice him why God's plan is better than

anything else he has to do.

 

 

vii. Pride

 

 

He can't stop thinking about how important he is.

Everything revolves around him.

The image in the mirror is what his life is all about.

 

He's so conceited and cold.

He lacks the desire to see past it all.

But I bet if someone told him, that he was just a vapor in time,

a speck on the radar of life,

 

he might start to realize, "This isn't about me."

 

-----

 

...and slowly, his lifesong becomes an echo,

a distant melody played from life's harp.

 

 

Author notes

Pic Credits:
http://elestrial.deviantart.com/art/7-Deadly-Sins-Pride-52259565
http://elestrial.deviantart.com/art/7-Deadly-Sins-Gluttony-52611665
http://elestrial.deviantart.com/art/7-Deadly-Sins-Wrath-52985698
http://elestrial.deviantart.com/art/7-Deadly-Sins-Envy-52412514
http://elestrial.deviantart.com/art/7-Deadly-Sins-Greed-53211760
http://elestrial.deviantart.com/art/7-Deadly-Sins-Lust-53468671
http://elestrial.deviantart.com/art/7-Deadly-Sins-Sloth-53057867

I am not Catholic, but I thought this would be a good route to take this piece. If the 7 Sins are supposed to be in some kind of order, sorry, like I said, I'm not Catholic, so I wouldn't know.

AP Name: L o w e r c a s e P r e l u d e
"Don't die live life"

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 36 of 36

  • poet360
    May 4

    Edit | Reply
    wow the imagery and metaphors here are so piognant. i really like this piece. great write!

  • an intresting idea. This was a very cleverly written poem. I found your style fasinating.

    The Positives:

    Great way to put a new spin on a old topic I really thought you did a great job

    Room For Improvement:
    Nothing I can see you did wonderful



    My Favorite Part:
    He's allured by her sensations and all her feel good places,

    but can't comprehend that she's really tearing him up inside.

    Pretty little eyes hide and dark and cold soul,

    just waiting for another man to capture and collect.



    Her body never stops talking,

    and you never stop picking up the phone.


    What can I say lust is my favorite sin lol
    Overall:

    I give this an 8/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.

    ~*~Apathetic Poison~*~

  • Amazing, the pictures really helped you feel and see the emotion that went in, to creating such an amazing poem. Great job!


  • lyricist
    April 21

    Edit | Reply

    perfect

    the pictures the words the imagery the emotions the reality the truthfulness. i mean i could go on and on. perfect write. 1000 claps

  • beautiful absolutely beautiful. you have 8 poems in the contest. You've got 12 points for this poem. Thank you for entering the contest and best of luck to you. kahy


  • penman gold member
    April 14
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Wow, what a descriptive write. So very creative. Best of luck in the contest.


  • movedon
    April 9

    Edit | Reply
    i so know who wrote this!! chris!! haha

    i absolutely loved this piece! wow. so well done bro!!!!!!! i can spot your style anywhere!!!!

    love ya!
    mylee

  • this was interesing. well written but not of my particular taste. it didn't have a feel...and theme..a point. you began by saying it was a story but it didnt really connect like a story or tale should.

  • you are a poet
    after such a age and time passed at AP
    i foiund something real
    im impressssssed
    don't know how you did
    but you did all great
    enough to become my fav
    by
    the poet of hearts and beautiful words


  • BearWoman gold member
    April 6

    Edit | Reply
    Given the title, "son, i loved you at your darkest," I expected the POV character to be either a parent or God in pain. I was disappointed to not see it all tied into this theme. There is very good writing in here, and yet it comes off for me like a lecture on religious vices rather than a loving parent distressed for a beloved son. Also, the style is more tell than show (although there is some good imagery as well), which (because the vices have been done some much) makes this piece feel less deep to me than it might have otherwise.

    I liked these lines: "No one can convice him why God's plan is better than / anything else he has to do."

    I also liked the final lines: "...and slowly, his lifesong becomes an echo, / a distant melody played from life's harp." (mayhap add a word like "crumbling" or some such before harp, to accent the degradation?)

    Thank you for sharing this piece.

  • this is one of the best i have seen in this contest. thank you for sharing with me today and i wish you luck in this contest you have entered. viyanna rosemarie


  • trekkergirl
    April 6

    Edit | Reply
    I knew I had read this one before. It is perhaps one of my favorites of yours. This one has nothing but excellent imagery in it. I love the way you describe each and every one of these "vices". Excellent. One of my favorite of your writes.

  • Bandit Appreciation!

    Thank you for participating the Bandit Reading List you make this group wonderful!


    The Poetic Bandits

  • geminigypsy
    April 6

    Edit | Reply
    'Wow' beautifully written.

    I love these lines...

    "You just can't stop and you don't know why.
    [You don't want to stop and you don't care why]"



  • This is really good. I was sucked right on in.
    The images weren't really necessary because I paused to look at them, when you really should get people to look at the poem, not the pictures- but that's just me.

    I really liked the way you divided it all up into seven parts, one for each sin. Brilliant. The last one was my favorite.


    oh, btw


    a speack on the radar of life,


    you meant speck, right?



  • msplay46
    April 5
    Edit | Reply
    that is so awsome dude you did a great jo


  • Antebellum
    April 5
    Edit | Reply
    Lust is my favorite part by far.
    exclent write. amazing imagery


  • trekkergirl
    April 5
    Edit | Reply
    oh wow! I think that you described each and every one of these words to prefection. I could see, feel, almost touch each word that you used. Your imagery is so wonderfully done. Great job my friend as always.

  • This is truly a work of art. I enjoyed it all. very well done. So very nice indeed. Thank you for sharing this with us it was a beautiful write for the 7 deadly sins.


  • etoile
    April 4

    Edit | Reply
    oh WOW. this is stunning.
    i love the ending best.
    the imagery is amazing, this is definitely one of my favourite pieces by you.
    it's amazing
    i love every word.
    goodluck in the contest!


  • Number 13
    April 4

    Edit | Reply
    This is amazing, the imagery is so captivating. This is most definitely one of my favs by you :]

    I'm not religious, at all, but for some reason the 7 sins have always held interest in my heart; you do them justice

  • He awoke, breathing air into lungs, singing choruses in teardrops.
    Yet in his vulnerability, he still had depravity on his mind.
    -Perfect starting. Just, gahh, i can;t wait to read the rest!

    The dollars and cents have chained him
    to what's not really there.
    -LOVE THIS!


    Borders have been crossed and boundry lines erased
    -I love the wording of this.

    Green eyes deny happiness for all who exist.
    -Ooh, i really like the allusion to envy, very effective.


    i just love how the ending ties into the start.

    this is by far one of my favourite writes from you and i love how the pictures seem ancient and abstract, but are contrasted in the text following.

    Excellent

  • HollyLouise
    April 4

    Edit | Reply
    ah i loved it. Rath is my favourite. but also "But I bet if someone told him, that he was just a vapor in time,

    a speack on the radar of life,

    he might start to realize, "This isn't about me."" That was amazing too. It was really hard to pick out particular sections, it all seems so right where it is.

    Holly.


  • "Her body never stops talking,
    and you never stop picking up the phone."

    These two lines, from the stanza titled 'Lust' caught my eye the most, they are almost lyrical.
    I loved the entire feel about this, the content was spectacular. Another fantastic write from you.

    I was raised Christian, our seven sins are slightly different.

    Thank you for sharing this with me.
    Kind regards
    Sophie


  • My Solitude
    April 4

    Edit | Reply

    Strikes like an arrow.

    I am speechless... This makes me feel like it's been written for me to read. 'M kinda in the downs right now... nothing's going my way, feeling a lot of things which are not particularly nice. One which i hate most is the distance that has crept in between me and my floks... Sad, but things just don't seem to help it. There r times when i do question if i've been too proud, lazy, greedy, envious, lustful and everything mentioned above. But before i could answer myself, i drift off to somewhere, to ignorance perhaps... But just let me tell you, this poem of yours touched me where no one has even neared in a long time... Wonderfully penned. Thank you so much for sharing. Love it.

    • Well I'm glad I could help you.

      Hey, if you ever need some to talk to, just send me a message.


  • XxemohatexX
    April 4

    Edit | Reply
    this is a gret work im not catholic eather so i wouldnt know but i do know that the seven sins are often comitted adn destroy soi much hot only religously or sperituly but in real life so much is lost due to this great write i love it and i relay love your pictures

  • will be good

  • Love, the title. This is going to be a great poem. I can tell...

1 - 36 of 36