She whispered to me as I passed
Kings Cross wasn't usually like that
It hammered
like a porno
Hard, fast, unceasing
until numbness
came
A nonsense
of unending
Of rushing lights
that churned your stomach
with drunken hubris...
I came into being
the midnight self
that told the bitch
who'd whispered
My strutting hour: You whore.
I told another story
as the years yellowed
a lost page of memory
tobacco stained...
I remember her beauty
I wish
I'd kissed
and told:
There was a better life
waiting
to unfold
Given breath
of a kiss
worth the tale...
A contest entry
- Quickie by Age of Rain.
525 points, ended April 3, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
great take on the prompt
best of luck
-
forgot these
-
Far too long - I stated 3-40 words. I honestly spent some time trying to create constructive criticism for this piece and here are the fruits of my endeavors:
Vulgarity, despite some opinions, can be a very great thing - but there has to be a reason for it. Your first two stanzas read mostly like a deluge of insults to whomever inspired this. I did somewhat like the porno simile however.
'strutting hour' I can only say that I found this to be an awkward choice of phrasing.
Third stanza - this is where i think you should have begun your poem. It has potential.
Fourth stanza - You went off into cliche, i would suggest scrapping it and connencting it more solidly with your third stanza.
I sincerely hope that I did not offend you, but those are my opinions (stress on opinion). Take'em or leave 'em.
-
-
GreenHrtPaleMoon
Thnaks for your comments I do appreciate them, and I must admit I didn't, obviously, read the contest as closely as I should. I missed the 3-40 limit.
Just for your own information. Kings Cross is the Sydney's Red Light district where I lived many moons ago.
Hence the porno reference.
Thanks again
-
Adding your comment:
