I see your smile
waver across
large expanses
until the light
no longer
reaches into your heart;
you've cupped your hands
over it as though
the dust that billows
out of my words
will consume every contour
and tarnish the steel
you've placed around it.
your eyes have sunken
into depths I cannot
comprehend;
your love is as shallow
as the paint on a canvas
but regardless;
you fell in love with the beauty
of each stroke,
never asking yourself
what it meant.
I cannot say
apologies fade because
your optimism lifts you
above the rest of us insects
and perhaps
your flaws will curl
in flames of passionate strangers,
melting away
your insecurity
and then I will breathe
the smoke in and
smile when I can meet your glance
and understand perfectly
where I am
and where your hands lie.
Author notes
..
A contest entry
- Your BEST short prewrites! by perfectsunset.
550 points, ended April 13, 69 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
the first stanza is flawless. the poem reads like watching a horror film where someone turns very rapidly into something awful right before your eyes. i like the last line, very climactic. i think the 3rd and 4th stanzas could use a little revision, "i cannot say/apologies fade" seems a bit awkward, and the 3rd stanza seems to have the least impact on me, but thats just me, and i really think you've got something great here.
-
Your first stanza is just impressive. Very hard hitting start and goes all the way through to finish. Great work! I thank you for entering the contest. Unfortunately you've already won a trophy and therefore are being removed from the contest because this breaks the rules. Thanks. kahy
-
-
Oh, wow. I guess I didn't realize it. Thanks anyway though! I appreciate the read and I apologize.
-
-
you are getting so good
-
-
That really means a lot, coming from you. Thank you so much for all the support and criticism.
-
-
Wow I loved this...
so full of depth and
genuinity. I felt emotion,
raw feelings, love, art,
imagery, metaphor, life.
This was exceptional.
Thanks for entering & best of luck
-
Oh. Claps.
-
This write seems significantly different from past ones. It seems crisper, more expertly arranged in diction, meaning, and sound quality. It's a very good quality write, and does well aloud as well. The choice of second person is pretty interesting here, also. It allows for an author's empathy, I think.
Great pun at the end, intended or not
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
