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Would I

If I pierced your flesh
With my cannibal teeth,
Where soft moans
Vibrate
Along your
Pulsating neck,
Scented with living
Blood,
So pure
So thick
So heavy
So rich,
That one satanic sip
Would intoxicate even the most
Dead
Of us, to believe we could live.
I wonder…
I wonder…
If my unloved, mistreated, cold touch
Wandered along
Delicate wrists,
With veins
So vulnerable,
Would my thump hands,
So coarse
So sharp
So arctic,
Break, fracture, shatter,
The exquisite 7 layers
That protect your
Poison,
So Sufferingly sweet
That you need it to live,
That it controls every move,
Every dark, damned, desire,
Every electric, eccentric emotion
To the brink of criminal insanity.

If my breathless, bitter mouth,
Travelled, trail-less, along your roaring, shaking skin
Hiding the rivers of your rushing, natural luscious liquid,
Would I break?
Smother myself in a shower crimson spa treatment.
Let the hunger, the senselessness, ruin my
Already blind, animalistic eyes
And watch, fatigued, at your once so beautiful, frail, susceptible body,
Now preserved, forever, icy, scentless,
Hollow,
Magnificent…
Would I break…
Turn to my old dead ways, of indulging inhumanely, tasting
All of the tantalising treats
That your
Fragile, impressionable, so easily bruised body
Has to offer
An ancient, lifeless, broken soulless heart
Like me.

Author notes

This entails the mind of a vampire, and how he feels....dead....without this prey of his, how he despises the cravings he feels and how he is now and yet amazed by the human body, how frail it is, how tempting it is where it once wasnt. His story of a twisted love.

Erm the last part when it says "would i break" the first part means like rip her apart uncontrollably, and the second was meant to be him just loving her but is it being humane? or is he teasing them both by only like kissing her wrists instead of .. killing her.... haha...
When im on about the poison and needing it to live, its got 2 meanings, one that blood does actually control your emotions to an extent cause well blood takes the hormones, sugars and other such influences around your body and depending on how much of that there is in your blood depends on your emotions, and obviously other bigger factors, and also no blood, no life.
The second meaning is as if the narrator is speaking to themselves so YOU need it, they arent speaking to their....victim? but rather themselves, as if they're describing their feelings or whatever...yeh.... i confuse myself sometimes!
Leave constructive criticisms in this, too cliche?

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • XMysticalNightmareX
    November 21
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    I reallllly love this poem, it has a wonderful flow and the imagery was amazing!! your a great poet keep up the great work and thanks for entering this contest!! Good luck


  • BreakingTheSurface
    May 15
    Edit | Reply
    This is fabulous.


  • Night Terrors
    May 10

    Edit | Reply
    WOW I really loved the senister feel in this I am adding it to the finalist list it really was great.


    The Positives:

    great dark imagery and some freaky elements that sent shivers down my back

    Room For Improvement:
    Nothing I can see you did wonderful



    My Favorite Part:
    If my unloved, mistreated, cold touch
    Wandered along
    Delicate wrists,
    With veins
    So vulnerable,
    Would my thump hands,
    So coarse
    So sharp
    So arctic,
    Break, fracture, shatter,
    The exquisite 7 layers
    That protect your
    Poison,
    So Sufferingly sweet
    That you need it to live,
    That it controls every move,
    Every dark, damned, desire,
    Every electric, eccentric emotion
    To the brink of criminal insanity.


    YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Overall:

    I give this an 10/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.

    ~*~Apathetic Poison~*~


  • XxAcidicDreamzxX
    April 11

    Edit | Reply

    I LOVE THIS!

    This piece is soooooo awsome!!!! really dark I love it! thank you so much for entering this contest and best of luck !!!!


  • CatInTheShadows
    April 8

    Edit | Reply
    Oooooooooo you gave me goosebumps! I love the chilling nature of this, keep up the good work!


  • Xx.Toxic.xX
    April 5

    Edit | Reply
    this is amazing. no other way to describe it. it's perfect. you've made the finalist list, and also if you want it a place on my a.p. family.


  • trickt69
    April 3

    Edit | Reply

    Breathless

    lines 1-12 breathtaking by far my fav of this piece. Like how it is written in first person. Also in your notes you state how blood controls emotions...very cool food for thought..haha i really like this.

1 - 7 of 7