the party moved in slow motion around him when he arrived.
he walked through the door and flashed those famous pearly whites.
he woke up the butterflies,
and my blood felt warm again.
as he came closer and closer, it went faster and faster.
he was lookin at me
and i didint want him to see me stare, but i could'nt look away
cause it felt like looking at bubbles in the sunlight in the summertime.
every color in the rainbow swirling on the surface,
suspended in the air,
floating so close to me
and i felt lucky,
and i felt happy, in a pure immature kinda way
like puppies
i was breathing in the glitter
and i could taste his mood
his eyes sparkled when he spoke,
and everyone laughed even when he wasnt telling a joke
i wanted him to be my daddy,
i wanted to steal his scent,
i wanted to squeeze him so tight he'd break through the skin and get trapped in my heart.
he made opening my legs easy.
he is the definition of charisma and elena.
A contest entry
- Your Thoughts, Not Mine by PureCountry.
700 points, ended May 2, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
i really appreciate honesty.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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"i wanted to squeeze him so tight he'd break through the skin and get trapped in my heart" woah. that was a powerful line. I'm in love with it. Great sense of imagery in this poem.
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Great Write
i was breathing in the glitter and i could taste his aura
his eyes sparkled when he spoke
and everyone laughed even when he wasnt telling a joke
loved those lines
he made opening my legs easy
he is the definition of charisma and elena
BAM!
not many would have the guts to write it
I Like Your Style
Thanks for Sharing
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very original. it did tell a story. i do honestly think that, especially with long setences, punctuation helps to reveal the poems words and helps w/the rhythm of it. beyond that, this is compelling. it's different and surprising!
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there must have been some powerful entries in that contest because this is a winner. it's original, creative and clever. i read it twice and still i can't see how it should be revised. i'm not a stickler for caps and in this the lack of them defines the quiet tone this is spoken in. the way it went from innocent to a tad bit erotic was a stroke of genius. it is a daring piece. embrace this, it is great.don't know if i could handle meeting mike though.
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Good poem.
I'm sure that I've never had that effect on a woman.
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It's good, but it kinda seems like it's run together. You need more punctuation in this. Another thing that kind of bothers me is the "i"s are not uppercase. I did like how it seemed like innocent love at the beginning and then how it wasn't so innocent at the end. Keep up the good work.
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woah, I was really surprised by the 'i wanted him to be my daddy' line and then the ending.
but I really liked this!! the imagery is great.
the ending is my favourite part.
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love the shameless pick me!!!! and shameless last couple a lines hahaha everything else was really beautiful so i had to read the last bit again. i really love it, i think i might try that kinda shock too haha when u comment on mine, please read the age group/catagorie its in or whats it about, there are some very abuse graphic stuff that really dont suit certain people. classic poem. well done x
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wow! This was really raw...imagery amazing...some lines with some really powerful shock value...
"he made opening my legs easy" whoah. I wouldn't have the guts to write that.
the whole little bit about bubbles was incredible. You've just chosen your wording perfectly to create the feeling you desired.
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He sounds like one hell of a guy. I loved the figurative language your used throughout, "he woke up the butterflies" was nice.
You'll need to proof read this again because there are several typos which did spoil the read for me.
Best of luck in the contest.
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