The smoke is rising,
billowing up
from this ash tray we call life,
while I drown amidst
these decadent delusions.
Call me crazy
but I believe that someday
blind eyes will open
and we will rise like the Phoenix,
soaring out of the ashes
of our discordant prison
once our broken wings have mended.
Fate is merely a word
used to describe the imminence
of our downfall,
yet perhaps some will realize
not all is done in vain.
So once our words have failed
and our thoughts are laced with fear,
we’ll turn our backs on disorder
and strip this chaotic world
of its poisons that leak into
our open mouths—
promises we’ll only forget.
Author notes
Hmm..it's a work in progress, but if you want, you can let me know what you think of it so far 
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Written March 3rd, 2004
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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It's good enough to applaud. ^^ Seriously really good, one of the more descriptive and meaningful poems I've read in a while on this site
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I fucking loved this!! It was soooooo good! I loved the wording, the use of imagery, everything about it was awesome. If i may offer one minor suggestion, slight alteration tot he bit about the pheonix migh tdo it good. It was cool and all, but the pheonix rising from the ashes is kinda overused. The rest of it was so good and original and brilliant, i think that finding a different metaphor would do this peice good. Still, it was amazing, keep up the good work!
a waste of flesh -
Hey...thanks a lot. I really appreciate the comment
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I love this poem already, and it's only a work in progress. I really like the style of it too. The metaphors are amazing and the way you worded the piece makes it thought provoking. I loved this part:
Call me crazy
but I believe that someday
blind eyes will open
and we will rise like the Phoenix,
soaring out of the ashes
of our discordant prison
once our broken wings have mended.
It's clever the way the rising of the Phoenix refers back to the first stanza. Good luck with this one and I hope it continues to grow beautifully.
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this is cool just because all the metaphors really set the tone... sometimes works in progress sound more polished than things i plan to finish - this is awesome
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Thank you
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I agree with all the above comments. Good start...even if you weren't going to continue to work on this, I already think its excellent.
~Bethany~ -
Lol..thanks Isa..I love you!
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your getting all philisophical on me now...hehe I really like the where this one is going. Hurry up and finish
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I can't wait to see it when it is finished. It's coming along well. It is well written and i like how you descibe things the way you do. Keep up the good work. i liked it.
Amber
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Aww..thank you
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so far i think i cant wait to see the full thing!! such beautiful imagery you have, im so glad i added you to my favs, this was wonderful to read, your syle is really exactly what i like to read and write, excellent work ica... i loved every bit so far, keep it up!!!
Call me crazy
but I believe that someday
blind eyes will open
and we will rise like the Phoenix,
soaring out of the ashes
of our discordant prison
once our broken wings have mended.
this was a beautiful stanza, wonderful to read, this is shaping up to be my favs from you so far, absolutely stunning work
jamo
Edited on Mar 03, 1:15 because ''.
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3 old applause
