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Wishes of eyes that have yet to lose their lashes.

There is a lone girl sitting by a carousel.  In her mind the chairs are alight and dreams fall upon the descending peaks of the sanguine music.

But as the day softens and the lights dim, she realises the cobwebs lining the rusted colours, and the malfunctioning static spilling from the speakers.

Ashen fear drips from a faucet that refuses to be patched with denial and shot glasses.  There is lightening cutting the sky to shards of midnight ink, and for the first time in years, she feels alone.

So with disintegrating boarding passes, she succumbs to the allure of the unknown, and begs to be released from the empty nightmare pervading the air.

Her lips are ravished, begging for human contact.  Instead she stands immortal in the burning grass of humanity.  Tree houses become her only haven, and she is more lost then those who flea to freedom’s cages.

She wants to feel the acidic burn of love.  She wants to procrastinate over words which are doused in saccharine implications.  She wants to be like those smiling dolls in movies.

She just wants to feel.

Author notes

Option: word bank (i wasnt sure how many to use, so i just used them all)

Sorry if this pretty much sucks shit, i'm writing it at school.. Might enter again if this is just utter crap to your eyes.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • hopergroper gold member
    June 20

    Edit | Reply
    This is nice. A few less adjectives would tighten it up a bit,and maybe tying in a better metaphor at the end as how both she and the carousel sit stalled would wrap it all together. Did you mean flea? or flee?


  • Kiss the girl--x
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    'and begs to be realised from the empty nightmare pervading the air.'

    realised should be released?

    that's my only like critiscism thingy.

    and this is brilliant. not crud at all.

    the imagery is amazing, hitting you in the face as soon as you started reading.

    at first when i opened the url, i was almost disappointed with the length, but once i've read it, it's a perfect length

    'Tree houses become her only haven, and she is more lost then those who flea to freedom’s cages.'

    i love the paradox in freedom's cages.

    'She wants to feel the acidic burn of love. She wants to procrastinate over words which are doused in saccharine implications. She wants to be like those smiling dolls in movies.'

    ^ prolly my favourite lines.
    they are amazing.

    and the ending, is so simple, and yet amazing all at the same time.

    &hearts

  • Writing0Freedom
    April 1

    Edit | Reply
    It wasn't a wordbank so much as prompts but this works too.
    'dreams fall upon the descending peaks of the sanguine music.'
    'cobwebs lining the rusted colours,'
    'midnight ink'
    Um just wow. I love this so much... Wow Wow Wow. Beautiful writing.
    I loved that she's 'immortal in the burning grass of humanity'
    that was amazing..
    'saccharine implications' I don't even know what that means but I loved it.

    title 5/5
    relation to prompt 8/8
    spelling\grammar 4.5/5 (flea is flee)
    personal oppinion 20/20
    rythmn 7/12
    imagery 18/20
    emotion 10/10
    Diction 8/10
    Originality 9/10
    89.5/100
    Again Wow!
    Thanks for entering!
    WritingFree

1 - 5 of 5