Left behind in underwater poverty
you let me fall into a mystic's arms
and be muffled by turquoise.
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She watched them fall
face flat on dirt floor,
broken by thieves and liars
while the stars shone with a fierceness
seldom know by mothers and lovers.
She never knew completeness like their cradle
singing down to her half-formed face
and rocking her in a hammock
strung between satellites.
she was always a star girl
But she slipped down the narrow stairs
from the darkness into the slums of man
and gave back a little of the elements
tangled in her cooing.
She was their aching back,
glistening with acupuncture philosophy
and while they hunch, immobile
she breathes life into their forms.
a penthouse dreamer gaurdian, she kisses bankers goodnight
They told her to straighten her neck,
poke holes in the sky with her chin;
and if she was good, they'd wrap ribbons around her middle
to maintain the feminine form,
pulling tighter each time she stumbled
till she cracked, turning into rubble.
She turned the tables
and signed away their leaky destinies-
forced their pen to the paper
to make their mind come alive,
to fold trees into people and prop them up like cannons
dotting the distance with destruction.
you can be the rusty joints-
she will be the oil that eases your creakings.
Author notes
prompt; http://islandtime.deviantart.com/art/Fix-You-100999056
A contest entry
- Freedom Rounds by Writing0Freedom.
400 points, ended June 22, 50 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Still needs work, HELP revising.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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"She was their aching back,
glistening with acupuncture philosophy
and while they hunch, immobile
she breathes life into their forms."
wow. that really made me pause to gasp for air. beautiful.
and the ending is excellent.
best of luck in this rounds contest of yours! <3
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I really liked the imagery and it was well written. I didn't quite connect to it but it was still quite good.
title 3/5
relation to prompt 6/8
spelling\grammar 4/5
personal oppinion 15/20
rythmn 9/12
imagery 16/20
emotion 6/10
Diction 9/10
Originality 8/10
76/100 -
you have a real talent of getting the reader so attached to the write we never want it to end. i always want to read more
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mmm. this is beautiful.
i especially love the italics.
'she slipped down the narrow stairs
from the darkeness into the slums of man'
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and this was amazing.
along with this:
'you can be the rusty joints-
she will be the oil that eases your creakings.'
distruction --> destruction.
oh and i love the title as well.
amaaaaazing poem
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<3
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