my breath is removed
from these shallow lungs
nestled inside brittle bones
my heart is racing towards
a lack of destination
held together only by
an agression of character
the fragility of my life
clawing at aqueous insides
changed form with lack of affection
this hollow jaw rusted and stuck
without words to flow freely forth
my skin sags against a broken chair
where i am perched waiting
as i have been these thirty years past
for something i have only imagined
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Wow, this is definitely a very deeply written and intriguing piece. Your words could mean so many things. Well penned.
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A lot is possible with this piece
I find this piece lacking in imagery and metaphor. Example: 1st line...my breath is removed. Now this doesn't conjure up any imagery in me. Idea: " Like in a windstorm, my breath is being sucked out" - Get the idea? The beauty of poetry is that you can be anything you want to be, a dense forest could represent the inside of your body and everything that is going on in there...this is what I mean by metaphor. I hope this helps. P.S. If you don't want this type of critique, let me know, I'll back off
When you read my work I would expect you to be as honest as possible (good or bad) i your critique. Don't be afraid to say it like you feel. I need that to become a better poet. Peace...
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Lovely write.
I am off because somehow I got by the end of this write the image of a person ready for death and happy about that. I loved this write because when I read this, this image made me feel happier and hopeful that there is something after death. And even if the poem was talking about something different, it impacted me in a special way. kudos
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Man! I love reading poems like this. This is a sweet write. Really my favorite so far.
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Surely it is of love that you speak for somehow I feel that it is the elusive nature of the very beast of which you speak.
"my skin sags against a broken chair
where i am perched waiting
as i have been for thirty years past
for something i have only imagine"
How frail the body yet fresh the memory, long lost and yet unforgotten hopes that with one simple atom of truth would suffice to put a youthfull spring in your step.
I like it, I like it so!
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Excellent
A very fine write, indeed. You express your thoughts quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us.
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this is deep, profound and aching...to be in this state for thirty years...this shackled feelings, sucks out the life in you
it was a very vivid description...just sigh on this
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What a devastating picture! You have painted it well. These lines are my favorite:
my heart is racing towards
a lack of destination
this hollow jaw rusted and stuck
without words to flow freely forth
And this:
my skin sags against a broken chair
A broken chair! Talk about adding insult to injury! Such a lonely poem, and well done. -
Truly great writing
where i am perched waiting
as i have been for thirty years past
for something i have only imagined
such imagery here
I love the flow
keep the ink flowing
Fire
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All I can think of to say
is WOW! your metaphors
are simply amazing
'my heart is racing towards
a lack of destination'
truly unique and something
so astoundingly relatable.
Those lines and this poem will
not leave my mind....
*standing ovation*
Always in awe!
~Pastel
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Deep!
"my heart is racing towards
a lack of destination
held together only by
an agression of character"
Absolutely great writing, the flow is perfect, the scenery sets a good tone for the poem, and the words speak volumes. Great writing!
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