What you are about to read is the true confessions of a junkaholic.
That junkaholic is me. I crave food. I think about it all of the time. I want it. I see it. I get it. I put it in my mouth. I don't care what others think. Maybe I do but at the end of the day my addiction comes first. I feel ugly because I am fat. I want to hide in my bedroom behind closed doors and hope noone can see me. I can eat three candy bars in one day, and I can easily drink coke every hour if someone did not stop me.
Sometimes I stop and wonder how the hell did I get like this? Is it because of being molested when I was younger? I was afraid for a very long time to talk about that but now I just don't give a damn. To many people hide that and don't tell anyone. Then they go to cutting and wanting to kill themselves. Or either they start going to the fridge. Perhaps a mixture of both.
I believe the reason is that they feel noone loves them, and they feel like what happened to them was their fault. They eat to feel in control. They cut to feel something.
I used to cut. I don't like telling that much but I am not afraid of talking about it anymore because I don't do it now. I wish that I wouldn't have gotten started on cutting when I was young. I had a hard time stopping it.
For awhile I would take a lot of pills because cutting wasn't doing it anymore. Popping 10-15 pills of over the counter medication and I guess it just made me to sick. I didn't really want to die. I just felt terrible, and guilty. I also felt dirty. That feeling makes you feel ugly.
I started turning to food and drinking pop. Food doesn't tell you to put it down. Whenever you bite into a piece of chocolate it makes you feel good, and for the briefest of moments you feel in control. You don't want that feeling to end so you grab for another bite. Before long the entire bag is gone. Guilt comes on strong. Why the fuck did I do that? Why can't I say no? Maybe I should start cutting again but my stomach is to weak for that.
I must go and get something else to eat because this feeling of guilt will go away. Wait. Fine, I won't get anything more to eat. I'll just get a coke. I swallow the coke as if I was in a hurry and about to dash out the door. I throw the can away. That was disappointing. They should make the coke bottle bigger. I am not satisfied.
It was nothing compared to that bag of chocolates I just had. I go into the fridge and get another.
I start drinking it and the phone rings. I quickly finish the drink and run to the phone. I wonder who is calling me. I pick up the phone excited but seconds later I am pissed off because It was no one after all. Just a sales call for diet pills.
I sit down on the couch and decide to watch TV. I grab a bag of chips. Hours later I looked outside and was shocked it was night. I looked at the table and saw five empty bag of chips. Those must have been left from yesterday. No. I clean the table every night. I get up from the couch, and slam the bags into the trash can.
I go to bed and cry.
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