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Defective Haiku

Summer twilight falls,
Swallows dip and rise, and you
Smile on my shoulder.

Author notes

I can't fix it! I can't!
Does anyone have a suggestion?

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Yemassee gold member
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    "smile on my shoulder."

    Of course haiku doesn't have to be 17 syllables, but 17 or less. Nothing better to have a smile (in whatever form it takes


    • emi
      April 2
      Edit | Reply
      Okay, I took your advice. I was too fond of the word "against" for some reason
      Thank you!


  • xeroabyss II
    April 1
    Edit | Reply
    Only one extra syllable, but still nice


    • emi
      April 2
      Edit | Reply
      I spent two days trying to get rid of that extra syllable, but to no avail


      • xeroabyss II
        April 3
        Edit | Reply
        I see you fixed it
        And I think that other person is wrong, and Haikus are a definitive 5-7-5 form.

        • emi
          April 5

          Edit | Reply
          Actually, I think he's right - I read up a little on haikus before trying one and found that although in English we traditionally use the 5/7/5 pattern (our best effort perhaps at "translating" the haiku from Japanese to English), we can vary the pattern, always 17 syllables or less - no more. Look up haikus on internet and you'll find a lot of examples. Here are a couple:

          Looking at the clouds
          blue in the ice-wind
          space flows

          (Thomas Grieg)

          A gold bug -
          I hurl into the darkness
          and feel the depth of night.

          (Kyoshi Takahama)

1 - 6 of 6