I stand by the window
Watching the raindrops hit the glass,
giving me a show...
Each drop tells a story
Whispers in my ear
Trying to make it clear
No one listens
No one cares
They walk on by
Never wondering, why the sky cries.
Don't you know it's crying because someone died.
Her name was Jane
and she was full of guilt and grief,
she went insane
Her father killed her mother, then went after her
But she was strong and killed him first
And she panicked
She did not wnat to be alone,
so she ran up to her room,
and with her stone she took her life,
stabbing it in her chest,
and jumping to her final death
So now the sky cries
becuase it wants to clean Jane's face
of the blood and the dirt off her lace,
for a gown of lace is all she wore
when she took her pludge to the stone foor
She was not meant to die,
but i guess it was her time,
rain drops weeping in memory of her,
for no one else will,
'cuase no one cared about the girl in stained lace
and no one will remember her pretty face
A contest entry
- Prewrites Contest by tears.of.silence.
1000 points, ended April 18, 401 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The rain is gods tears for us. by blood.stained.tears.
400 points, ended May 11, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
... Just tell me if it's good or not. I really don't care...
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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You know I am not sure if it is that people don't care or if they can't be bothered enough to notice. They have all these things to do... and not a moment to notice what is happening around them because they are totally focused on what they are doing. Know what I mean. Interesting write here. I liked your imagery and the emotional range that you used. Thanks for sharing this with us.
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this was very powerful and strong. i like the idea of the sky crying.
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i like it, it was different take on it, but oh how true, i like how it was written, wonderful poem, and i like the darkness of it, i like dark poems, tehehe, but no really it was a good poem, and greatly written.
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Very dark story told here, and one explanation for the rain. for sure.
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excellent! really good. you told a wonderful story. again this is a great write
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ABSOLUTELY GORGOUS
SO HEARTFELT AND AMAZING
i love how you pointed out the raindrops told you this story
and i love the little details and the rhyme and everything AMAZING JOB
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You started out with a very strong but ended up kind of weak. I think you've done well just need to follow through all the way to the end. This is your second poem in the contest. I give you a 18 on wow factoring. You have a total of 33 points. Thanks for entering and the best of luck to you. kahy
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Amazinn
I love it. it's so... deep. Great job.
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Okay, so I fucking love it, buuuut, there were some parts that need afixen and here they are...
paragragh one:
"I stand by the window
Watching the raindrops hit it, giving me a show..."
I think you should try maybe,
"I stand by my window
watching the windows hit the glass,
giving me a show..."
yes?
Second peragraph, irst of all its "wondering" not "wonder" but obviously thats a type ok second of all, remember to seperate the "never wondering, why the sky cries" part into two different lines.
On the third peragraph try...
"Her name was Jane,
and full of guilt and greif,
she went insane"
yes?
then seperate the "her father killed her mother, and then went after her..."
For the forth peragraph:
try, "She did not wnat to be alone,
so she ran up to her room,
and with her stone she took her life,
stabbing it in her chest,
and jumping to her final death."
I don' know
Fifth peragraph:
"So now the sky cries
becuase it wants to clean Jane's face
of the blood and the dirt off her lace,
for a gown of lace is all she wore
when she took her pludge to the stone foor."
I don't know, that's just what I thought would fit better lol
Last peragraph:
try "She was not meant to die,
but i guess it was her time,
rain drops weeping in memory of her,
for no one else will,
'cuase no one cared about the girl in stained lace
and no one will remember her pretty face."
that's just me, but I think that would help your poem feel more alive and flow better
Love you!!!!
Shawn *glomple
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k i fix in a bit i gotta go to school
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Whispers it in my ear
*Whispers in my ear
Never wonering why the sky cries.
*Never wonering, why the sky cries.
Her father killed her mother then went after her
*Her father killed her mother, then went after her
So she ran up stairs with her stone
*So she ran up the stairs with her stone
Of the blood and dirt off her lace
*Of the blood, and dirt off her lace
She was not meant to die but i guess it was her time
*She was not meant to die, but i guess it was her time
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k fixed it again
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I liked it.
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Don't you know it's crying because smeone died
*someone
But she was storng and killed him first
*strong
And with her sharp sone, she stabbed her chest
*stone
weep in memory of her
This last one maybe put in her memory.
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thanks just fixed it
does it need anything?
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