i.
i live to see the break of day
when we all can breathe again.
you set sail with a sapphire sky,
for heart-bleached horizons and
spider-tangled beauty were to save you.
i broke my wings and i
know i'm not warm enough;
but in my defense,
the only warmth i know
is that of the comets breathed
into my veins and the heat
of the withering november sun.
ii.
i'm trying, trying, trying
but i'm so lost in your sea;
i had already lost once your
eyelids became
everything to me.
but even on our final run,
you couldn't find what made
the stars collide; all you found
was words to leave me with
and cracks of desperation
you soon slipped into.
don't tell me it's over.
there's a hate inside of me
that owns like some kind of
master, and i'm searching for
my key but you breathed it in
long, long ago.
iii.
i'm more than what you
can't escape from.
you may wish that i'd set with the sun
but i've dedicated every breath to
set
with
you.
and that may not be what
your enamel-glazed irises
and time-ticking lungs
have wanted, but
now it's my turn
to choose.
iv.
you dripped away with the rain one day;
and i took you into my arms and stroked
the summer out of your hair, and
we were left under the canopy of ocean
and ice; of dead moons and stars learning to fall.
i wrapped myself around your shoulder blades
so that every music note we heard would
resound through both our half-naked beings
as the world forgot to contain itself and before
i lost my tears upon your cheekbones.
i memorized the way you said my
name and you memorized the way
you'd stop using mine; and
you're not who you used to be.
you're not
who you
used to be.
v.
and i may just be
a lonely girl trying
to soak up the pain
from the grids of your
eyes,
and i may just not
have done it quickly
enough;
but you can always
say there was a girl
who loved you the
way you believed
in belief.
and once upon a forever,
she set her skull in place
with your tears, so every
grain of salt you shed would
echo through her body
so she could take it all away.
but rememberance isn't enough.
Author notes
http://lonelypierot.deviantart.com/art/city-tears-73516396
angela, purple, 12, ephemeral.
I wrote this in 3 minutes.
i don't know what it is,
but i hope it's ok.
A contest entry
- but now he lives inside by heaven all alone.
2022 points, ended April 14, 17 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rounds Contest Prelims - Prewrites/Freshwrites by xxRainbowDawnxx.
400 points, ended April 16, 31 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Freedom Rounds by Writing0Freedom.
400 points, ended June 22, 50 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Favorites; by ElectricBloom.
1750 points, ended June 26, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything & Everything for GOLD!! by Hebz.
400 points, ended June 21, 221 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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i like this,
gorgeous imagery throughout, as usual.
i love this part;
there's a hate inside of me
that owns like some kind of
master,
amazing.
there's just one thing though, when i was reading it theres a part of the poem where the lines get longer and the stanzas are like chunkier and it doesnt feel like the rest of the poem. i don't know. i can't explain
it's still awesome though, excellent work.
ElectricBloom
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I really like this poem. I think I'll add you to my favorites
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I'm rereading this and am really reallly confused as to why I didn't give you a much much higher score.. I'm rereading my entries for my rounds contest , and was dissapointed with most entries so I needed to read some of my finalists to feel better.
I'm going to rescore your poem because it should have been higher.
title 5/5
relation to prompt 8/8
spelling\grammar 5/5
personal oppinion 16/20
rythmn 8/12
imagery 18/20
emotion 8/10
Diction 9/10
Originality 10/10
88/100
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this is beautiful! your style has changed a lot though. how old is it?
i love the title to peices.
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haha, it's two months old.
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no wonder i haven't commented on it. XD
gorgeous, love. -
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thanks. :]
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It's just me, perhaps, but this:
"but you can always
say there was a girl
who loved you the
way you believed
in belief."
I know sometimes things just come to you. This is a great piece of work. And those lines sent chills through me. Great Job, I will most likely read it again.
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Wow, this is really fantastic. You weave imagery and emotion together so incredibly well, and you only wrote this is 3 minutes!! I'm so impressed! I agree with the previous comments' favorite lines, but for some reason this stuck out to me the most:
"you dripped away with the rain one day;
and i took you into my arms and stroked
the summer out of your hair, and
we were left under the canopy of ocean
and ice; of dead moons and stars learning to fall."
I'm probably going to read this over again a few times. It's just so amazing!
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thank you so much!
I have a new piece i'd really love an opinion on, if you have some time.
:]
http://allpoetry.com/poem/5375041
i'll be sure to check out something of yours. <3
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I can't help but think this might be a second entry for you because the last piece I read had some of the same phrasing. I enjoyed this, I'm not sure the anatomy of shoulder blades and skull fit into the soft flow of the rest of this, perhaps it is, that it's supposed to stand out, if so, it certainly did. Nicely penned. Best to you in the contest
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wow you just wrote my life in a nutshell. like no joke this is me with my ex... the line
"you may wish that i'd set with the sun
but i've dedicated every breath to
set
with
you."
hits so close to home (if you want the story message me)
but onto your poem,
you have the ability to pore you soul into a piece and make the reader cling to every which word, i felt like i was in a really good book i couldnt take my eyes away from this,
talent at the least
best write to this day in my mind
wow.
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best write of mine or like best write period?
haha you're silly!
I don't even like this. xP
thank you though!
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It's just me, perhaps, but this:
but you can always
say there was a girl
who loved you the
way you believed
in belief.
would sound a bit better if you said faith. But that's just me. Great otherwise. ^_^
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this poem was so sweet and so sad. I really loved the emotion. my favorite line was "but you can always say there was a girl who loved you the way you believed in belief". It almost made my eyes water! very good job and good luck in the contest!
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title 4/5
relation to prompt 8/8
spelling\grammar 4.5/5 - I felt like the uncapitalized Is are part of the style and work even if its grammar
personal oppinion 14/20
rythmn 9/12
imagery 16/20
emotion 8/10
Diction 7/10
Originality 10/10
80.5/100
I love this still as when I first read it. I'm glad you entered.
The imagery is pretty amazing.
Prelims finalist!
WritingFree
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"i'm trying, trying, trying
but i'm so lost in your sea;
i had already lost once your
eyelids became
everything to me.
but even on our final run,
you couldn't find what made
the stars collide; all you found
was words to leave me with
and cracks of desperation
you soon slipped into."
This is something I'm all too familiar with...
"you can always
say there was a girl
who loved you the
way you believed
in belief."
I am that girl for that guy.
I love the last line, is packs a punch.
This is amazing.
Shelly
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Very nice imagery. I like the abstract ideas and the choice of words. It feels as if you are talking directly to me.
My auntie is called Angela, she's the only other one with the name I know. I don't get on with her though, as she's nasty, you're a much kinder angela :]. Purple is my favourite colour too.
Great word choice! Thanks for entering
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thank you!
that's funny, I know like 7 other Angela's, and I don't get along with any of them.
xD
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WOW! speechless...
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I love it, beautiful imagery as always....
"and once upon a forever,
she set her skull in place
with your tears, so every
grain of salt you shed would
echo through her body
so she could take it all away."
and the part before that, too, I'm too lazy to copy and paste that too and get more unfair points from my lengthy comment.
Good luck in the contest. -
Mm.
This makes me think of Luis Royo's depictions of post-apocalyptic romance. Spacing seemed much, but it worked after I got used to it. It made each part demand attention. -
wow! The imagery was powerful and amazing!
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thank you!
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