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Jisei - for Mairi bheag

Don't know if I've got the hang of this, but here goes!

gravity grips
and my palsied hand
drops the saucer

tea is dripping
from a broken cup -
drop, drop...and stop

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • celticwarrior
    March 31

    Edit | Reply
    I'm not at all familiar with the form, but it seems like a striking Japanese moment of death poem to me.

    Still, I'm with Mairi - do not go gentle into that good night.

    Mac


  • Floorboards
    March 31
    Edit | Reply
    I agree completely with mal, excellent.

    Well done, pal.

    Alex.


  • Sunshine Always
    March 31

    Edit | Reply
    Well Bill I have no idea whatsoever about Jisei my friend,but I do know that your words always speak with great meaning and this is no exception.. Excellent...mal


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    March 31

    Edit | Reply
    I hope that this is a bad jisei, because that would mean we'll have you around for a long time, while you secretly revise it over the next forty or so years.

    Interesting; you have taken a pair of 4-5-4 verses, and turned them to the purpose of portraying a moment when a commonplace body-movement ceases to be effective. I think this is very "you" and sums up your straight-down-the-middle approach to poetry. I can picture you looking at the cup, transfixed by the process of the water running out.

    No, I don't know whether you have got the hang of it either. It may not be oblique enough. It may be too direct (in a way in which the second verse on its own would not be - it would would be an apt metaphor). But nonetheless it's your voice, and that's good enough anyway.