A gentle breeze carries the faint odour of new cut grass towards us
It smells like no other grass
It has a sweetness, a bitter sweetness
The sun is glowing like a million candles flickering in unison
Dancing to a cacophony of flightless birds
Their harsh discordant sound trumpets an arrival, our arrival
Morning dew glides effortlessly from the leaves of a giant oak
shadowing the black clad audience, hushed in witness to the final scene
We are the stars of our last performance, a final bow at a play
for which we were not cast
As our incoherent plea's fall on deafened ears
The purist light and realization
Our final curtain has now closed
Author notes
The prompt was :
"We can't be dead. We were alive just a minute ago."
-Sharon Creech, Walk two moons
This is my first ever attempt at free verse, so my apologies if it is a weak attempt
A contest entry
- Contest #1 (Quote Prompts) by VelvetWings.
1050 points, ended April 4, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - quickie: your favourite prewrite. by wecanbreatheagain.
600 points, ended April 4, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - GOLD DIGGERS ONLY (just for losers) by tarcus.
950 points, ended April 8, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites Contest by tears.of.silence.
1000 points, ended April 18, 407 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - After That I Was Never The Same by Budart.
1500 points, ended October 14, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
-
Not a bad poem but not really appropriate to this contest. If you are writing about someone else's death how did it change you? If you are writing about your own death than this is a fantasy piece and doesn't fit the bill either. Thanks for the entry.
-
I think the key to free verse is phrasing, rhythm, tempo. And as far as I can tell, you have accomplished that with great style. It may sound strange, but one of my favorite stanzas here is:
A gentle breeze carries the faint odour of new cut grass towards us
It smells like no other grass
It has a sweetness, a bitter sweetness
This really sets up your whole idea about "newly dead." The newly cut grass signifying that... the smells of eternity... both sweet and bitter. Pretty lovely stuff when you think about it.
-
Very nice. You have caught my eye with this one poem. I want to see more of your work. You've only put this poem in the contest so you have made a 90 out of a 100. Welcome to the finalist list. Thanks for entering the contest and best of luck to you. kahy
-
Superb
'tis a very fine write, indeed. You have expressed your ideas quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us.
-
This was not an attempt at free-verse; this was most-definitely a success. I love all of the different images in this poem and the feelings that I get with each stanza. You have a very strong vocabulary as well! Thank you for entering.
-
Superb
A most excellent write. I enjoyed the imagery which you created. Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
Wonderful Poem
For a first attempt at free verse this was lovely. Nice imagery. A delight to read. Great take on the prompt. Take care, Sandy
-
-
your to kind, ty so much for your comment, makes me want to keep at this free verse stuff lol!
-
-
You are very welcome. It was lovely. Sandy
-
-
-
Marvellous
I was hooked by the opening lines that accompanied the title and was forced to click and read the rest. I am glad I did.
In my opinion the poetic style of this converts a potentially harsh and bitter piece into a delightful mellow, thoughtful one.
A very tentative suggestion might be to alter "for which we were not cast" to " for which we did not audition" in the final line.
Overall
Very well done and all the best in the contest.
Jim
-
-
ty so much for your kind words on Final bow, today I had to add a few lines which had kept me awake most of the night, your opinion on the change would be much appreciated
-
-
The extra lines seem to compliment the piece and the use of purist which, immediately echoes purest, is excellent.
Jim
-
-
-
This is a wonderful write. For the first time at trying free verse, you certainly did a wonderful job!
I love the short, simplicity of it, yet the vocabulary you used leads to wonderful imagery.
This kind of thing is exactly what I'm looking for for this quote--descriptive, and obscure enough to be read in a few different ways, since the quote itself is kind of obscure. To me it reads like the passing from death into life, as a natural moment rather than a peaceful one or one to be feared. I can sense a bit of one of the other quotes in it as well; the one about nature.
You let the quote inspire you well. If I could make one suggestion, I think your poem would be a tad more powerful with more spacing, but that's completely up to you and won't affect the judging at all. Just a pointer.
Thank you for this entry, and best of luck in my contest!
~Sparrow
-
-
Hi sparrow, I need your advice. Last night was a very restless one for me, I think maybe I should stick ro rhymes, I tossed and turned all night with niggling thoughts about my entry in your contest. Hope you don't mind I added a couple more lines to it.
I felt it was incomplete and I would really like to sleep tonight. lol! Ps thank you so much for your comments they gave me such encouragement. I would love your opinion on the addition -
-
Well I'd already added you to the finalist's lists. I thought the ending you had was good, but now I think it's even more perfect!
Plus the poem looks a lot neater too.
Stick to rhymes if you're more comfortable with it, but I think this poem is great so it's definitely not a necessity to stick to rhymes~ -
-
ty so much again, I will keep at the free verse I'm sure my sleep will return when I get used to it. The challenge was very rewarding, for that I am most grateful x
-
-
-
-
This is lyrical and lovely, your lines have a strong cadence and you have used some poetical devices well. The message is carried well too.
I like it
-
-
Jeff, ty so much for your respected critical eye, it helped me greatly, i would love your opinion to the addition I made to this poem,best regards brian
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 18 of 18
