Like the fading melody of a half forgotten song,
the memory of you plays softly in my subconscious mind.
There are fragments I recall with overwhelming clarity,
the words you whispered, the response they evoked.
With photographic perfection you emerge before me,
tousled hair falling in strands to cover eyes involuntarily closed.
Later, the flush of your skin, the reverberation of synchronised heartbeats
and the hypnotic quality of your fingers playing through my hair.
There is almost enough in what I remember, but so much has been lost to time.
I once knew the sensation of your lips against mine
and the scent that was undeniably you, left lingering long after we parted.
I knew the tremor of my body in response to your breath on my ear,
and just how the moonlight played across your bed,
embracing us in an almost seraphic glow.
Like the fading melody of a half forgotten song,
in time, the memory of you melts away
until there is nothing left to play back.
- Desolate of Heart group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Inspire Me by JM Kenyon.
700 points, ended June 24, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical comments, please
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
amazing
you beasted this concept..... the imagery in this write is hot so excellent that i smelled ----->"and the scent that was undeniably you, left lingering long after we parted." the metaphoric usage was excellent, if someone didnt know what you were talking about, you explained it in a metaphoric way and the metaphors you used -----> "Like the fading melody of a half forgotten song,the memory of you plays softly in my subconscious mind" if i didn't know what heartbreak was, that metaphor would have explained it to me because everyone likes music regardless of genre....
excellent job
-
Amazing!
I identify with this more than I would like to admit. And the way the ending uses song... That's what changes for all of us in a relationship or romantic venture - all the songs change - I never thought about how the meaning of the songs (that make me cry now) will fade about and take on new meaning. Thanks!
-
ahhh.... i going thru that right now but he ask me back out i love it dont change it the pictures that you made me see were lovly and i love each stanza
-
Perfect--I wouldn't change a thing. Your imagery is hypnotic and incredible, especially the second stanza. You left nothing unresolved, even returning to your original simile. Beautiful.
-
I know how you feel! I;m here if you need to talk
-
Holy crap. This is soooooo sad. You have chosen absolutely beautiful words here...the tone is tragic and lovely. The images you created were so very vivid and real.
"I once knew the sensation of your lips against mine
and the scent that was undeniably you, left lingering long after we parted.
I knew the tremor of my body in response to your breath on my ear,
and just how the moonlight played across your bed,
embracing us in an almost seraphic glow."
oooohhh.chills.
The repetition at the beginning and the end was also effective. The ending was the best part, as far as emotional impact. I was left with an empty ache in my chest.
Only one set of lines seems to need tweaking.
"Later, the flush of your skin, the reverberation of synchronised heartbeats
and the hypnotic quality of your fingers playing through my hair."
All of that is just a subject...the sentence is incomplete. You could either add a different subject by saying something like
"Later, I recall the flush..."
Or, you could add a predicate by saying maybe
"...playing through my hair takes me back to a time when you were mine."
-
well done...
i like it...it would just be overachieving if it all rhymed or was in a pattern of any type...lol...good work!
-
well as for critical comments....i'm not sure i have any. this is quite well written. and, a lovely read.
-
apart from being speechless at this fantastic poem, the only edit i would do to this is the stanza's. combine the shorter lines with similar lengths or syllables, and have the long lines ect in there own stanza's to help flow. apart from that, fantastic poem x
-
title
What i cant remember?
half forgotten song?
reverberation? -
Brings back some ,
of my own memories ... Makes me sad again ... Makes me yearn for the reality before the memory ... This is a piece of the essence that is love , this is a piece of what passion truly is , This is what life should always be based upon . The love of two people , forever drawn out , should one be lost , the other to live in memories till the end ... Thats my opinion anyway ... Lovely write mate !
-
O: I'm pretty much speechless, ahh let's see what I can say.... First off this is amazing, oh my, the words you used, the way it flows, brillant! "and just how the moonlight played across your bed,
embracing us in an almost seraphic glow." Well, all the lines are amazing but I really like that one, gives an awesome picture and feeling. Great write. <333
-
Oh. I love it!
-
O: awesome, this line
Later, the flush of your skin, the reverberation of synchronised heartbeats
and the hypnotic quality of your fingers playing through my hair.
reminded me of a special someone (:
great job (:
-
very vivid...
great job in painting the picture of a song.
fav. lines...
"in time, the memory of you melts away
until there is nothing left to play back."
-
This makes me think of a half-heard song playing in the moonlight.... Very lovely and evocative. I think it's wonderful as is, but if you want to play around with it, you might want to try being very specific and descriptive in the beginning and flowing to generalizations and snippets of memories at the end (progression of forgetting). I love the images in the fourth stanza, and how the "m"s in the last stanza help the piece fade into unremembered silence. (Not that I won't remember your poem, because I will.)
-
This makes me want to play my piano and put music to your song. A beautiful write. The way you pieced together meaning(s) is very talented!
-
ahh... if only they faded fast, huh? very very beautiful. i liked this one a lot
-
This is beautiful!
This is so lovely. It is sensual and bittersweet and well written. It is also a piece that everyone can appreciate for at one time or another we have all experienced this. I look forward to reading more!
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
