Mixed

I
You can't keep doing this to me, you know?
I can only handle so much pressure before I break.
I'll crush it down and snort it slow,
Feel the burning and the nausea in my stomach disappear.
&I really do love you, trust me, I do,
But I'm not strong without some sort of chemical in my blood.

II
"Promise me this time is the last time."

"I promise."

[I also promised that everything I ever could say was a lie]

III
One, Two, Three, Four,
Hell a couple more couldn't hurt.
Wash it down like acid in your veins,
Watch as your pupils get narrow and deeper.
Laughing and giggling, I feel so free.
Please, if you really loved me,
You wouldn't ask me to do this.

IV
"I can't keep doing this you know."

"Doing what?"

[please, please, please, go the fuck away]

"Saving you every time you fall."

"I never asked you too, you know."

"You didn't have to."

[why aren't you listening, go the .fuck. away]

"Stop"

V
The orange one picks me up and the white one brings me back down,
A pill in the morning just to survive,
Another five through the day, God, I promise I'm fine.
Two or three to keep the nightmares away,
C'mon this is just a phase, I'm not an addict.

VI
"She's worthless you know, a pathetic disgrace to humanity. I don't know how I ever could have cared about something so disgusting. How could I have cared about a person who didn't even have the dignity to care about herself? She's a wrench, she has no soul. Don't believe a word she tells you, all she's capable of is warping the truth. She's the number one salesman, when it comes to selling out, selling dope, and selling souls."

[I heard you from the bathroom stall, just in case you didn't already know.]

VII
I can't stand up, I can hardly speak, this cigarette has been burning for at least an hour. I'm all mixed up and I don't know what to do. The pill to bring me down is only picking me right back up. My minds so cluttered and I'm all out of sticky notes to write everything down on. I feel so fucked up and God do I miss you. I can't handle what I've become, I need to inject me with some new kind of pill. Give me anything, I swear I'll take it. Take me back to the doctor, I could use some time away. Time to clear my fucking head. I hate you, I hate me, I have fucking everything. I'm falling down and you aren't there to save me anymore. I'm so sorry I told you to stop. I feel so empty, I feel so cold. I don't know why but I feel so fucking old. My body aches, my heart is racing, my head is pounding, my legs feel like jelly and trust me they are so fucking heavy. I don't know what to do or what to think. But maybe, just maybe, this tablet will make me feel okay.

VIII
"You're a mess"

[tell me something I don't know]

"No, I'm not. You don't even know me. You don't know anything about me."

"I know you're better than this."

"Fuck you, you stupid bitch. Don't you think for once you should just mind your own damn business."

"You know what, fine, I'm done. Have fun living without a scapegoat."

[please... please come back to me]