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the living room

you collapsed on the couch beside me

like a demolished building

 

termites finally chomped

their way through your foundation

 

“it’s still raining,” you whimpered

clogging your ears with your fingers

 

i lowered your head on my lap

like a drawbridge

 

and ran my fingers through

your drought damaged fields

 

“we need the rain,” i argued

 

your adrenaline fueled legs

shot you to the birdcage across

the room

 

“god lied,” you furiously muttered

tearing the head off of his promise

 

the dove’s blood spattered

on our white walls

 

in such a beautiful way

you couldn’t help but frame it

 

but the smell left you sick

to your stomach

 

causing you to vomit out

suitcase after suitcase

 

till we had enough supplies to last us

another forty days and forty nights

In a list

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • DrunktankLullaby
    August 11

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    wow I don't even know where to start with this.
    it reminds me of what i call a "zillion-esque" writing style... it's one of my favorites. i love the dialogue peppered in there. it makes it more personal, and the symbols and language you used make the piece flow word to word to word to word perfection.


  • Odds and Ends
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, you've grown as a writer. I'm so proud of you!

    I know you're working on this one. There are ways to make it a bit shorter and flow more... poem like. Unless you're going for the prose feel You have grown so much. I love the religious metaphor that you drug all the way through the piece. (the rain... you could experiment with the flood [since it is raining] in the use of rainbows and sinking/ floating ships too). I'm SO impressed by the growth!! you have no idea. You've always been and awesome writer. I'm glad you still write. Much love!

  • RIP-sanity
    April 3

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Why haven't I been reading your stuff more often? Imagery = amazing. Really interesting. But I think the repition of you and your might be a little much, I understand it's an emphasis thing but I think it might be messing with the rhythm a little. I'd suggest for instance in the line

    "your termites finally chomped

    their way through your foundation"

    changing it to either the termites ... your foundation
    or your termites ... the foundation.


    • lively banter
      April 3
      Edit | Reply
      Haha, maybe the reason you haven't been reading my stuff more often is because I hardly write poetry anymore! Thank you for your comment and your advice, I totally agree with it. I have been staring at that certain stanza and thinking about omitting the first 'your.' I think I was using the pronouns more as a crutch than for emphasis too.

  • piggyback
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    I was at first hesitant to comment, not sure if you wanted me to, but then I thought - heck, why not
    I loved this the first time I read it. I think it's by far one of your best and the way you combine the metaphor of building(s), weather, and the "living room" the discussion takes place in, is brilliantly coherent. I don't remember you using much dialogue in your poetry at all - but you seem damn good at it. This poem, while extremely symbolic, feels very intense - I think that has something to do with how you phrase things. I particularly loved how the dialogue was about weather (common topic for shallow small-talk) and yet it hides so much meaning and feels so intense - that reminds me of this prose I once wrote. Let's just say, you're really good at using symbols and metaphor. I liked the bit about god lying a lot - it';s such a simple sentence, but the idea of a being that some consider omnipotent and some imaginary, lying, is just so very... heartbreaking. That sentence speaks volumes to me. I also loved the vomiting suitcases bit, as I've mentioned before - the repetition does wonders there and I love how it comes after the building metaphor. To me, it suggests moving. This whole poem makes me think of someone lonely as another person tries to convince them the world isn't all black (or even black and white) but all the words just go to waste. But then, the ending is more positive. You'll laugh, but "till we had enough supplies to last us
    another forty days and forty nights" makes me think either of "1001 nights" or of Lent... either way, it's another very intense bit. In fact, thinking the "supplies" are vomit, one has to wonder if the ending is about hanging on or holding on to negativity. This poem is going to turn me into a philosopher
    I thought the repetition of some pronouns was alright - the content, the figures of speech, the message - all these were so profound that something as small as a few "my"s or "you"s went unnoticed. There is only one aspect of this poem that could be improved in my opinion and that is the length of stanzas. To me, this poem sounded so intense, like you could be born and die and be reborn in it - and yet, it's all put out there in two-line stanzas... I think it would be more effective (to me) if the stanza length differed, if only by a line or two. Otherwise, it feels too calculated.
    Anyway, I liked this


  • Ishtar
    March 31

    Edit | Reply
    Mrs Almost Scott here, hello! ----- .ilu. says:
    omg
    Mrs Almost Scott here, hello! ----- .ilu. says:
    why
    Mrs Almost Scott here, hello! ----- .ilu. says:
    are you so good







    Jeeze, make everyone look bad! Why not, you amazing poet!!


  • nichtmich silver member
    March 30

    Edit | Reply
    Your poetry is like a punch in the gut leaving me breathless and dazed. The metaphore of god's promise sneaks up on one. The only critique I have is using "your" in the second stanza. Once in a sentence is enough, IMHO perhaps a descriptive word instead, up to you.

    Much good imagery. Vomiting suitcases? Now that's original!


    • lively banter
      March 30
      Edit | Reply
      "A punch in the gut," really? Wow, thanks! I agree with you, I think I used 'you/r' too much.

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