open the windows not the blinds
I found you
bathed in silence
at the edge of my porch
and wondered
about your pulse
your placement
when your face looked so pale
beneath the dirt
as if the wind dragged you here prematurely
with undeveloped words
asking me
to eat your fear
but I offered months ago
lacking discretion
like it twisted from my cheeks
and if you had explored
who knows
what could be found
under a thin layer of skin;
a parallel universe
where
your hair
sticks up a little in the front
and you smile
not just arrange your mouth
to seem happy
for decaying film
once I watched you sleep so long
that your mind rolled
into some painting
exposing the simplicity of life
and you cracked;
the runny center of your core
dripped down
the canvas adding color
and depth
the way your cheekbones do
in certain lights
especially in night
because street lamps feed off
our energy
yet habit dies hard
fourteen years have passed
since your father asked
to keep
his doppelgänger
smothered
and still
it pulls endlessly,
maybe it's just unspoken for
or should I let it
swallow me whole
so this fear of repetition
is finally gone
Author notes
just in case, lets make it a lifetime
A contest entry
- Mental Asylum [INVITE ONLY] by Never Fall in Love.
1750 points, ended June 11, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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every poem i read of yours makes me more and more obsessed with your work.
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i see why this awesome piece won the gold... very well written, excellent job.
loveandblesings2u & yours always
joyce
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well deserved
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damn.
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dear lord.
you're honestly probably one of the top five poets on this entire site.
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Wow, this was absolutely stunning. The whole thing flowed together so nicely and made me feel the whole set of stories. A bunch of fragmented memories all put together. Beautiful.
~Zeek
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incredible obscure metaphors...that could be your name
the third stanza is beyond powerful
it made me read it four times and I still wanted more
excellent JP
and how bout coach Cal with a K
peace
Muddy
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thanks mud so good to see you around. dontcha miss darce?
hugs man
-
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AN
I want to steal that.
...to be seen like this
well - it is beauty in itself
(forgive the lack of clappies, I've abandoned them) -
Loved it.
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this does make me think of sleeping for days while people came and left and whispered around me.
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the beginning is the start of something great; the end does not disappoint. amazing.
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thank you so much
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You never disappoint, I really liked this. No hard critiques. I see what Allyce is saying though, about that one line. But regardless, good work.
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I missed your writing so much JP! First stanza is my favourite, but I did enjoy it as a whole. My only suggestion is that you remove "for decaying film" simply because I think the idea of feigning happiness is more powerful without limiting it to just for film
Don't stay away too long!
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This is absolutely incredible. The poem flows perfectly and you use such obscure metaphors, yet it paints a clearer picture and comes together nicely. Even though the messages are clear in your poems, I still find intriguing crypticism in every one.
This was great and I've come to find I'm never disappointed in anything you write.
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last two stanzas are reason enough
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i love the story line ... everything comes together and thats a talent ... mine always leaves off . period . like that ... haha ... good luck in the contest
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this is really interesting and excellent. i loved how every part of the story contributed to the whole... not so sure about the doppelganger image in the last stanza though. it felt kind of randomly thrown in there since i didn't get any previous understanding of a doppelganger. but other than that, very smooth, well written
-cassidy
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