I’ll sing to you storm,
I’ll sing you my heart
And you shall be my lover
For one night.
Because you thunder
At my window.
While my true lover
Listens with deaf ears.
So, I shall join my voice
In your perpetual roar
For my laments, dear storm,
Might, someday, reach your ears
Whereas, my lover would never hear
So, tonight, your cold rain
frightening thunder, brutal gales,
Shall be my refuge
For my lovers indifference
Is unendurable.
And your bitter winds wrap me
in a comparable embrace.
So, drench me in your bullet rain
to help me forget his abandonment
ease this choking loneliness.
Author notes
Another I switched over... It seems that I'm fixated on the rain
A contest entry
- Thunder & Lightning by RedAquarius.
1000 points, ended April 30, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Can You Withstand a Blunt review? by NoseRingGirl.
950 points, ended May 8, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ♥♥Broken-Hearted, You're Leaving Me Deserted♥♥ by BrokenHeartsInVain.
542 points, ended May 29, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - No boy is worth your tears, and the one who isn't suppose to make you cry by XXStOlEn-HaLoXx.
700 points, ended October 11, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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wonderful.....good luck
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I think this has a lot of potential. It is full of emotion and intensity but that is diluted with excess words and too many pronouns. Slight changes through the poem can easily fix this, one example is:
"For my lovers indifference
Is unendurable, something I can’t face
And your bitter winds wrap me
In a comparable embrace."
altered
My lover's indifference
is unendurable.
Your bitter winds wrap me
in a comparable embrace.
Keep in mind, this is only my opinion and you should not change your work if you like it as is
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yea that part bothered me too but I didn't know what to do. hum now?
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