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We Tried

Pick a pretty colour
Something bright, something nice
Pick a shrivelled brush
Plaster a smile, splatter glitter
for eyes;
hammer and hurtle,
and wipe away the stains
[like ink and oil, like blood, like tears]
Smooth the edges, fire on ice,
and open the door;
words warmly drizzle through
and laughs like sea breezes
whistle through
[like youth, like youth]

But remember?
Cupboards snap closed
Curled in a corner

Pick a pretty colour
Something bright, something nice
Plaster a smile:
It will say we tried; we tried.
























A contest entry

constructive criticism very welcome

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Karen Layne
    May 12

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this. There's both lyricism and angst, not somthing that's often successfully combined. Perhaps you could be a little clearer as to circumstance...unless of course your intention was to be mysterious, in which case it's perfect as is.

    I particularly like the imagery of facade - the painting on of a smile and the ersatz sparkle in the eye...very nice.


  • SubKitten
    May 11

    Edit | Reply
    This was a very well written piece overall. I think some punctuation would help the flow a bit, but otherwise it flowed very well. I'd love to see you expand on this piece a bit, as well.

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    April 1

    Edit | Reply
    I did like this piece I would say a few line breaks would of made this flow a little better but none the less you did a nice job here best to you in our contest be well.


  • aboomer silver member
    March 31

    Edit | Reply
    I like the carefree feel of this, the great attitude that no matter what, at least you tried.
    For me, I think this would flow better:

    'Pick a shrivelled brush
    plaster a smile,
    splatter glitter for eyes'

    Hammer and hurtle,
    wipe away the stains
    like ink, oil, blood and tears,
    smooth the edges....

    I don't feel you need some of the filler words in there as it slows the flow - just my honest opinion. Also, for me, I find it hard sometimes when every line is capped - also breaks up the flow.
    Other than that, a few minor tweaks, I think this is nicely done - good images and emotions.

    Thanks so much for supporting our contest! Hoping to see you return again and again! Best wishes.





  • islekine gold member
    March 31

    Edit | Reply

    I love upbeat poetry!

    This made me smile...thanks so much for entering!
    I hope to see your smile and talent, again and again!
    Best wishes now and always!
    Write on!

    and


    P.S. I am semi blind...so this was a tad difficult to read...maybe a little lighter on the text next time?
    Thanks!


  • Candy Morphine
    March 30

    Edit | Reply
    Plaster a smile, splatter glitter
    for eyes;
    hammer and hurtle,
    and wipe away the stains
    [like ink and oil, like blood, like tears]
    -God that is amazing.

    Pick a pretty colour
    Something bright, something nice
    Plaster a smile:
    It will say we tried; we tried.
    -Fuck this is just FUCKING BRILLIANT.


    This whole poem was just unbelievable. you have such a way with words, everything was excellent. This is just incredible

1 - 6 of 6