this is my morning
ritual-
I hold hands with
you, talk through
the shower water,
holler over the
bathroom door,
ignore your silence.
we brew cheap
coffee, different
flavors I'm sometimes
scared of trying.
each one becomes
my new favorite.
we sit idly,
watch the tiny
birds flirt with
their colors,
bicker in the
toucan-summer air.
I wear something
green, something
you will find wonderful
and attractive-
huge beads strung
on wheat rope.
I'll glance to the
side, smile with
my eyes, perhaps
being a little too
quiet for your
taste.
I wake up a
philosopher.
I'll crook my
finger in my food,
eat with my hands,
be impolite.
you always like that.
I wink at you
without batting
an eyelid.
you will finally
give up, turn up
whatever is
playing on the radio,
and sprawl me out
on the kitchen floor.
it's almost adorable.
you wake up
pretty easily.
Author notes
It's sad how little time I have to write nowadays. He is not a morning person...
A contest entry
- Ritual by polly filla.
1050 points, ended April 13, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites & critiques by aeolia.
400 points, ended September 12, 87 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any advice is welcome
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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You have a tendency for minimalism, yet your writes are always so detailed; I love that there's nothing "filler" in here. The prompt was to write about a morning ritual and that's just what you did, nothing deeper than that. Usually that'd be a problem, but here, it definitely isn't. I see your morning quite well.
A few suggestions:
"I wear something
green. something
you will find wonderful
and attractive;
huge beads strung
on wheat rope."
The punctuation here was a little choppy. Were this mine, I would put a comma between "green" and "something" and a dash after "attractive." Try it, maybe? Just a wee idea.
Also, maybe a little more space could go before the philosopher stanza; I cannot, for the life of me, explain why, but it felt like a different poem after that.
Thank you for the entry.
-endymion -
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I see what you mean with the punctuation. I sometimes forget that because I'm the writer, I know how I want the poem to be read. But the reader depends on precise (or lack of) punctuation to guide them. And I guess the poem does get a little more...dare I say 'friendly'...after that line.
Thanks for your comment.
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ha
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ooh. I like this. a lot. <3
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cool (and hot!)
I like how you've described a very personal ritual---it's tangible
my fave' bit is the verse about the birds; yet the whole thing's high res
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Aww that sounds intense, cute, ...
I loved reading this.
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It can be intense sometimes...but I'm pretty damn convincing.
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every snippet is great. AH. it fits together so well that i almost hate it,
but i obviously don't.
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haha, I"m glad you enjoyed it. And I'm glad it transitioned ok.
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this is adorable (:
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Thanks!
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