June moon rises
I sit contemplating rain
pearl in a puddle.
2.
A bitter wind blows
rippling the lake's surface
a wrinkled moon
A contest entry
- HAIKU ~~~ MIRRORS AND REFLECTIONS by maa.
999 points, ended April 6, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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ps. just an idea : using the present tense would make the impression more immediate and bring the whole scene from past memories to the moment ... what do you think ?
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Hi, yes good idea ,have done edit
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wonderful !
maybe : "june moon rises" makes it even stronger ...
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I love the image of the wrinkled moon ...
a very vivid and creative scenario that inspires us to stop and smell the roses ... wonderfully soothing ...
thank you
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Love this!
Personally I'd drop the filler words leaving:
august moon rose
I sat contemplating rain
pearl in puddle
bitter wind blew
rippling lake's surface
wrinkled moon
You've got two really fine ku here with great flow & third lines! The imagery is great, loved the aha.
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Sorry to be the bringer of not so good news, if I am, but '2' is exactly the same idea as used in the last I just read
, which perhaps has taken the edge off of it for me.
Thought I'd let you know, in case you didn't.
I very much like the first 5,7,5 one.
Good luck, Sol
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Di, I like this as a poem, but I have to quarrel with it as a haiku. The first triplet is made up of three lines like bullet-points, and the whole conveys far too much information. BUT... I do like it anyway.
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A lyrical and lovely pair of haiku - very well-written.
Bill
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greast contrast, glad to read them
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Beautiful, and poetic in classic haiku tradition! Good luck in the contest! I love, in particular, the last line of each linked haiku. They really create a fullness in the image. If I were to revise it it would be ruined.
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