The most unexpected dreams
fell upon me, no warning given.
As summer came, desperate to grasp us with it's fire
I could feel the change rising
Yearning to envelop us and toss us far
Beyond anything we had ever felt before.
Goodbyes felt painless
At five there was no longing
For family I knew little of
And cared for not.
Swept up by heat and golden dreams
We fell upon knew life with hunger
that drove us to believe
In our forever.
Laughter stacked waiting for us
Believing our smiles were eternal
Without limit, shamelessly
We swept up the dream of new life.
Shattered dreams
Fell under my feet, no warning.
In brokenness we understood pain
That we had disguised with smiles
For three years
We fell in despair.
And now we have twenty three hundred and seventy
miles to go
before we reach
Our heaven.
Author notes
We moved away when I was five. Leaving our family behind we had so many expectations. We were moving to a better place where we would have more money. But i guess dreams don't work out. 3 years later we fell apart.
A contest entry
- Round 1 Are you good enough? by DarkShard.
900 points, ended March 31, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 2,370 miles to go, before we reach. . .(reopened by request) by JinSays.
1006 points, ended April 22, 29 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - You never know.... by Cyanide Dreams.
1640 points, ended May 12, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Peer Pressure the Third! You Decide the Winner! PW by Zenda-Lokki.
1400 points, ended July 2, 70 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - never forget. by samantha jean.
700 points, ended September 9, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Robert Frost in the last stanza?
beautiful, beautiful write.
-d. <3 -
Peer Pressure :)
This is absolutely beautiful; well done!
Thankyou for sharing, and best of luck in the contest
Maria
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94
Title: 9/10
Originality: 9/10
Emotion: 10/10
Grammar/Spelling: 9/10
Flow/Structure: 10/10
Imagery: 9/10
Overall Use of Poetic Devices: 9/10
Reaction: 9/10
Rules: 10/10
Overall: 9/10
Totaling: 94/100
Wow, this was really good. You should add a background ! I felt that this piece really drew me in. You took a cliche topic and made it your own, which is a really good quality. Your emotion was strong in this. What a sad story
. Great job on this and good luck in the contest.
Josh
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Thank you for taking the time to enter, and I wish you all the best.
Love,
jin -
very good descriptive details here! good job!
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his was awsome, emotional, sensational imagery, the binary contrast was superb. The exploding ending was there.
you have the equation for the next round but if you get through. bear one note of construtive criticism. try reading you rpoem for the words only after writing it, without your knowledge or feelings and see if you get the same potent impact that you get when you read it becasue it is your emotion we want and so your words are the only material that can do that transition between you and i the reader so chooe your words carefully they can make all the difference.
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Thanks for your comment and advice. I will definitely read and reread
Holly.
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very heartfelt poem here mate....really touching piece
loved the middle para especially
Swept up by heat and golden dreams
We fell upon knew life with hunger
that drove us to believe
In our forever.
Laughter stacked waiting for us
Believing our smiles were eternal
Without limit, shamelessly
We swept up the dream of new life.
cheers
abybaby
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Dear God... Beautiful. Beautiful...
The metaphores and similies in this were jawdropping, to say the very least.
The piece starts off so light and pure, a childlike wildlife put to words. Gorgeous, serine.
Then it twists... Amazing. It's hard to twist something so magnificent and make it beautiful, but you managed.
Fantastic work!
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Thanks so much for the comment. Sometimes it’s hard to write about things we don’t want to remember. When we do get round to writing about it, the wait was worth it, because the piece becomes better than it could have been. I don't normaly write like this, but I have to say this piece is better than i thought it would be. I just have to be in the right frame of mind.
Holly.
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wow this has the makings of a classic write wonderful imagery and flow through empathy of reader excellent write poet
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