The morbid notes of the violin
Weep in the cold glare of the rancid moon
Hailing in the dawn too far away
Chanting and wailing its somber tune
A mile away across the skies
She cries, forsaken and alone
Consumed by the depths of the glacial sea
Trapped, imprisoned on deathbed stone
Three augurous ravens assemble the night
Cackling and cawing their despair
Taunting and teasing the summer dark
Confident in their saturnine air
Pale and trembling in midnight dew
She lifts her eyes to the onyx clouds
Catching a glimpse of burning hope
Before snuffing it out in the sunset loud.
~Jessica Lee
12/24/07
12:29 AM
Author notes
This is from quite a while ago, but I just found an old book of poetry and decided to put this up. I'm thinking of revising and adding more. I don't really like it, atm.
This was inspired by a picture.
Unfortunately, I'm not a gold member, so I can't show you the picture. =/
Lo siento.
Let me know what you think.
What can I do to make it better?
- snowflakes group list • next in list
A contest entry
- RHYME AWAYY by TheSexyOne.
690 points, ended May 29, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITE MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by Kathraina.
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I love the tale you've woven here.
Very interesting piece, great flow and imagery throughout.
Bravo
♥ Kate -
Hm. I like it. I like your use of imagery, using colors and textures and time to give your poem depth. This has the making of an epic poem, as it could use more backstory, and a conclusion. I would suggest you use the word "weeps" instead of "cries," as it creates a rhyme there, which is a little awkward. It has the potential to be a really lovely work, I hope you do expand on it.
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Thanks for the comment (and that includes everyone). =)
As a matter of fact, when I was typing this poem in, I changed the word "cries" to "weeps". But then when I reread it, I noticed that I used "weep" in the first stanza and I didn't want to be repetitive, so I changed it back to "cries". I feel like I need a stronger word there, but I can't quite put my finger on the right one. =/ -
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Hm, maybe "wails," or "mourns."
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I absolutely adore the dark imagery displayed here. The only think I didn't absolutely love was the wording of the last stanza. I'm just a little nitpicky with the placing of 'S' where it could rhyme without it... i.e; cloud"S"/loud. I loved the opening line especially.
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a very good write that needs no picture as it stands strong on its own
very dark and descriptive, s write to be proud of 
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I like this... I wish I could see the picture so I can see if the imagery this poem evokes matches what you were looking at... I think you do well creating the imagery for this one.
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this is really good. I guess every picture does say a thousand words.
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awesome
I enjoyed reading this piece...
Yvonne
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I like
it means alot I can tell, you worked so hard awesome job
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loved it...rich textures and depth....
you could replace your first weep with wept...
and it rolled off my tongue ...as I read further
an idea...
forsaken and forlorn...
three augurous ravens
stalk the hungered night
lovely sweet dark write
way to write!
ears/Seattle
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