Different are the sizes
climb up and down
and never had they worried
if they are clean.
Straight from the toilet
come pairs of wet slippers,
bid me good morrow.
Heavy legs above them always
shut my mouth daily and
stop me give my replies.
Polished black and white are the
royal looking shiny leather shoes,
climb down the stairs. Guess
the owners are busy going to office
Muddy shoes I hate,
but they kiss me always tight.
Tired legged humand would
never allow me to ask the shoes,
why they are ugly
only in the evenings?
Touched and kisssed was I, daily;
not a single pair tried to love me.
They have soles, but not souls.
Author notes
*POM contest*
A staircase speaks
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear & Judges by Arkbear.
2000 points, ended June 20, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
:)
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Thank you for your entry!
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Hi! Sorry, due to time constraints and needing to get these reviews done by 7:00 pm tonight, I’m going to get right to scoring your poem. Sorry
Title: 6 – Well, it could’ve been fish you were talking about and not shoes. Hehehehe. Seriously though. It definitely gave away the theme, and I wouldn’t have clicked on it.
Flow: 7.5 – First stanza has two different verb tenses in there. Lots of punctuation missing. “Stop me give my replies.” What does that mean? Flow is seriously impacted by these things.
Depth: 9.25 – Not too bad, but lacked impact.
Theme: 7.5 – Seen it before, and this could’ve been penned from a much more unique perspective to give a bigger impact.
Feelings: 8 – There just weren’t any here. You almost imparted some in the last stanza, but fell short.
Grammar: 9.35 – Pretty simple. Some mistakes here and there, which made reading confusing.
Presentation: 9 – Stanzas were fine. Nicely done.
Uncommonness: 7 – Pretty common theme.
Sit & Ponder Affect: 7 – No pondering over here. Sorry
Ability to Follow Rules: 10 – YAY!
Kim’s score: 80.6
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Hello & welcome to POM!
With your title using "sole" instead of "soul," it tends to lead the reader towards feet (or something involving feet) --
and that's what you brought: a staircase!
At first I was thinking it was about 2 feet, then perhaps different types of shoes, so my mind stayed in one general area with this write (but, hey ~ at least you didn't lead me to the far-reaches of the universe! [Sorry, Black Narcissus!
]).
I found it interesting that you separated the shoes from the humans in the staircase's thoughts, focusing mostly on the soles without souls.
I like the visuals, the imagery was pretty easy to behold. There were a couple instances where the words and a stanza were spaced more than standard --
not sure if that was intentional or not, just something to watch for in future writes.
Thank you & best wishes in POM. My scores will be posted in the closing comments.
~ Tim
Please remember, no editing until after final judging. -
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Hey Tim,
That was a wonderful comment. Thanks for your valuable time taken to read it and markings. Will work on the areas that need a dig-in very soon after the contest is judged....
Thanks again
Love
Kiddy
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Hello Kiddy -
First impression.....your Title should be..>>
In Search of a Sole Mate
*climbing up and down....COMMA.....-
*they WERE clean*
* 'morrow *
*above them always....COMMA......-
*stop me.....COMMA.....give my replys -
Replies is when you reply to someone....you used it as a direct noun....therefore, it is REPLYS -
I would have CAPPED *owners*
*humand*????.....I find no reference to it..>>>>
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/humand
You have ( 21 ) Filler Words....and this hinDers your Flow and breaks away from being Poetic.....however, you did manage to keep a Sliiiight Poetic Voice, which is good -
Fillers - *are....like.....the.....and.....is.....of.....that....to*
I enjoyed the Metaphoric play on words here Kiddy.....but next time, bring me some more Power & Impact and make me go....WOW!
I am glad to see you in the POM Contests....I adore your talent from what I have read lately.....next time, break out of your shell and show off for me
God bless you & thanks for entering,
Bear -
Title 5.95..when you used the word, *sole*, you gave me too much info and I would not want to read about this Genre.....and in doing so, you may lose many more Readers as well.....allow them the opportunity to contemplate your write by using a nice METaphorical Title, or such -
Flow 7.95... S*'s are missing lots of punc.'s which hinder this Flow -
Depth 9.6.. depth is good....just not enough.....ummmph for me -
Theme 6.0....a Theme which I have seen many times....especially here on AP -
Feelings 8.75..lacking here -
Grammar 9.15.. nice grammatical choices..simple, straight-forward, yet affective -
Presentation 8.5....a couple of your S*'s are a tad too long....for me....too much crammed into one thought -
Uncommonness..6.0.MOST common Theme -
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.15...I did not ponder.....sorry
-Ability to follow Rules 10.......nice
-Bears Score: 79.05
Not bad.....the more you join us, the higher your scores are going to soar!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work -
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Hello bear,
Thanks for your valuable comment and honest scores. I was a bit confused after having this one posted in here that I have stolen some good talented poet's place with this write. I didn't find time to edit it and it was too late when I realzied that I could have left this place for some other poet. I am very happy that my scores are what I expected them to be. I know I have many place to dig in with this poem. As soon as the contest is over, I decided to edit this one (saving the first version to my page as well).
Thanks again
Love and regards
Kiddy
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