As sun sets slowly with reverb'rant light
Through all its colored fiery hues sublime,
I long for one more hour, the light to shine
To hover longer before fall of night.
Alas, the day comes to an end too soon
Leaving behind its unfinished concept.
With promises broken, promises kept,
The old man peeks through the rising moon
Through the long night imposing dreams creep.
I toss restlessly, still I can’t awake
From this useless, brutal, undying sleep.
Mere mortal that I am, I cannot take
These dreams from somewhere inside me, so deep,
To be finally banished at daybreak
Dee Garner
©March 28, 2009
Author notes
My first Sonnet
Italian Sonnet composed of an octave, rhyming abbaabba
And sestet, rhyming cdcdcd, 10 syllables per line
I know it needs improvement
In a list
A contest entry
- A Royal Sonnet Contest. ONLY FOR MEMBERS of HUGH WYLES’ FAVOURITES’ GROUP. by hugh wyles.
850 points, ended March 31, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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magnifico
Hi Dee, your great but the beauty of a poem, sounds nicer when someone actually reads it out loud, instead of reading it in your head, this sounds like music to my ears, and reading poems, can take one into a mesmerised state, like hynosis, a great feeling, I am going to pick a few of your poems, and read them to a few children I know that, I watch over. they are special to me. I earn money doing this job. but its children that I love to be around for their honesty is pure,
thoughts are pure, and its them that teach me. but this is poetry at its finest as far as Im concerned, I am a nobody, and I am not a critic, dont posess any of those skills, all I know is that there are poems I really enjoy,
thanks for all you say for me..............lol........................ps. I hope you win the contest..................best of luck.....
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Thank you, Laura for the nice comment on this piece, my first sonnet. As for reading some of my poems to the children you watch, you might want to check out my other ID. I write children's poems and stories... some of them are posted at
www.allpoetry.com/granny%20goose
I hope you'll check them out
Dee
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I'm not familiar with Italian sonnets and I found the rhyme scheme a bit hard to read at times. Line 4 and line 13 I kind of lost the rhythm. I need to do some reading on this type of sonnet. congratulations on your silver.
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Thank you so much for your reading and commenting. This was my first attempt at writing a Sonnet and I was totally surprised at winning the Silver trophy and honored that Hugh included it in his Wylean Sonnet chap list I'd like to learn better, the Sonnet form is a nice form, there's different kinds, so I've learned. I applaud anyone who writes a good one.
Dee
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Brilliant!
Wonderful write!
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Good Job -- Silver
I can't write strict forms like this anymore. It takes too much concentration than I've got now.
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This is an exellent piece of poetry written in wonderful form
It's so dreamy and full of great imagery
thanks for sharing, congradulations on the silver.
Be blessed in all you ever do.
Tony
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I add my hearty congratulations on the silver trophy as well. It's not easy to write a sonnet especially under the scruntiny of such a highly regarded critic. I enjoyed the poem immensely.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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Congratulations on a wonderful sonnet!
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Wonderful! I'm happy for your silver win, congratulations!
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Congratulations!
On your first sonnet attempt. I don't even know what goes into a sonnet. And you chose such a mature theme.
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Thank you, Wesley I enjoyed writing this and now I plan to take the Sonnet class to learn more about writing Sonnets. It was a bit scarey doing this one, we have some really good Sonnet writers in our group so figured I wouldn't be a serious contender in the contest but that's not usually my reason for entering contests anyway.
Winning Silver surprised the heck out of me
Dee
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Congratulations Dee on winning the Silver trophy.
Love Dee
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excellent~
Beautiful sis
I love the night too.......
Good subject to write about
Flows and reads so smooth
Best of luck in the contest
I will slowly catch up
Hugs
Your sis
Susan~~~
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Well, I certainly am no expert on sonnets but this sounds good...reads easily and from what Hugh commented is not a bad first try...Now I know why I did not enter...didn't even know there were Italian sonnets and have no clue as to the deeDUM part of it...but am going to learn...Good luck in this contest of Hugh's sis...
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Your words come alive before my eyes
as I visualize the setting sun,
the wakeful night,
the dreams attenpting
to break through.
Strong mood created, indeed, Catz!
M-C
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Dear Dee, I love the subject you have chosen to write about, it's awful when sleepless nights keep us awake, especially when everyone else in the house is fast asleep.
Lovely Sonnet Dee and I congratulate you for having a go, they are not easy to do and I am still learning. Hugh is a wonderful teacher, he ells me where I go wrong and to go back and fix it, that's the way I like it as how else can I learn the right way.
Love Joan
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Dear Dee,
I am just SO thrilled that you have risen to the challenge and created your first sonnet for my contest - and what a creditable sonnet it is!
Iambic meter does not, however, rely on a set number of syllables per line (although some guides erroneously say so) but on the number of iambs per line (the iamb being a measure of two syllables, one weak followed by one strong = deeDUM).
By carefully counting ten syllables per line (as you have done) some of your lines have four iambs (=tetrameter) while others have five iambs (=pentameter) and, in a few lines, a stress falls unnaturally on what should be a weak syllable or even vice-versa thus spoiling the smoothness of flow.
These are minor imperfections which can easily be fixed by what I call 'tweaking'. ie. insertion of an extra syllable in the right place or juxtaposition of a word.
Having said this, I must commend you for the excellent format of your sonnet in which your 'argument' and volta are very nicely handled.
I think I cannot do better than to quote part of what I wrote in my comment on DeeCrepit's entry:
"Perhaps I should have issued timely warning
to those who try to write dee-DUM-dee-DUM.
It’s best to start off early in the morning
with adequate strong coffee in your tum.
"Count with your fingers, starting with your thumb:
Dee-DUM-dee-DUM-dee-DUM-dee-DUM-dee-DUM."
I hope you have enjoyed composing your first sonnet and that you will write others because you have created a very fine poem, notwithstanding its few flaws.
Thankyou so much, dear Dee, for entering.
Applause, Love and hugs, XXX Hugh.
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Thank you so much for your helpful critique of my first Sonnet, Hugh. I was hoping you'd do that I thought about tweaking the poem to better conform to the dee-DUM aspect which you've depicted but I might leave it as is for future comparisons. Hopefully my next ones will be better. What do you think?
Dee
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Dear Dee,
Well, I myself, am constantly revising
my poems - not to alter their direction
but, really, it is often quite surprising,
when undertaking subsequent inspection,
how much one finds that's worthy of correction.
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I love the images of sunset and moonrise, especially line 8! The contrast between the two segments of the sonnet is well done, the day is too short and the night is too long. A lot of people have troubled dreams and insomnia which make the night even longer. Excellent work, Dee.
One word to check, fiery. Best of luck!
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Thanks for the correction... I at first had fiery then thought too long on it and rationalized that fire is fire so firey would be just that. So will make that correction now.
I enjoyed writing this, even with its flaws which Hugh has so graciously brought to my attention. I might tweak it just a bit, but then again maybe I'll leave as is so I can hopefully guage any improvement in any future Sonnets... and there will be some
Dee
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ah longing for one more hour, here tonight well at 2am, the clocks go forward, i believe they have already in usa so melodies tells me. so an hour is lost! anyways, a good poem, sonnet, i usually use the 10 per line avenue though the more hardened sonnet writer will say soft and hard iambic p etc, i have sonnets titled the same as yours here but a different kind, done for a contest of vera rich's awhile back. a good poem, flowing smoothly.
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Thank you for the kind comment, Ian. So far I've gotten such good advise from all who've commented. I enjoyed writing this first Sonnet and will be doing more, hopefully better ones
Dee
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