i.
you used to remember.
i once filtered my words against honeycombs and amber skies;
afraid for any movement or angle to turn you away.
for opal-coated irises and ribbon-laced fingertips
were just too innocent; and i'd live and die
to show you the moon and other things to live for.
once, you used to remember needing me.
ii.
you just wanted to be adequate-
enough for all who claimed to feel you
beneath their bones and in their hollows
and every other place i could never reach
within them.
but you were just filled with half-moon
horizons and nimble attemps to shread
me small enough so that you could
take all of me in without having to breathe.
iii.
your eyes were made of turtle-shell and legato;
marbled and swirled in a way no one short of God
would take the time to create.
they became my haven when i couldn't scream my way home;
and when every note that dripped upon crimson-flushed cheeks
learned to melt itself into you,
you'd say that you'd always be there to be my light.
one day,
you left.
and when you did, it seems ice
slithered through every inch of my veins;
crumbling me from within and exploding every
heart-beat into a core-shaking eruption.
i didn't know that souls could have a limp;
dragging and collecting dust as they remain alone.
and i didn't know i'd ever have to
learn that first-hand.
Author notes
iii. horizon, remember, crimson, limp, nimble, turtle, haven, ice [ word bank ]
A contest entry
- Welcome Back (Round 2 - CALL BACKS) by HereComesTheSun.
700 points, ended April 1, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round 1 Are you good enough? by DarkShard.
900 points, ended March 31, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Unsung Prewrites! by Justified Inc..
700 points, ended April 2, 68 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I am in love ~ with Vignettes by AutumnGypsy.
1400 points, ended May 2, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Nicely done. This was a moving piece of self realisation almost, I liked the lacey metaphors strung through this piece. Well done. Best to you in the contest
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*cry*
Oh....
this:
"i didn't know that souls could have a limp;
dragging and collecting dust as they remain alone."
broke my heart. The whole poem is so emotionally moving. So very well done! I feel so bad!
Great poem.
Bravo!
Justified Inc.
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wow. this was awsome, point to make never leave huge gaps in your work lol that is a easy way to emphasise a lack of punctuation lol. must say though i did have to pause and think the words lol but it was becasue i had to croll down ather than the wowness of the words even though your words did that anyway I am just making a point. loved your imagery above all other qualities.
for that alone you deserve a place in the next round. welldoneand congrats
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iii-4th stanza; i think seems would be better as 'seemed like'
or 'seemed that ice had'
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i didn't know that souls could have a limp;
looooove that.
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amazing poem, hun. spectacular imagery and heartbreakingly real emotion
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last line of i: maybe just say
'once, you remembered needing me.'
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3rd stanza, ii: shread should be shred.
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your eyes were made of turtle-shell and legato
okay, wow much? amazing metaphor.
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you'd say that you'd always be there to be my light.
try rephrasing this. it's a little repetitive.
maybe: you said you'd always be my light.
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shall finish later. ;D
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you will so totally win the gold. ♥
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angela, you dazzle me. ♥
'i once filtered my words against honeycombs and amber skies;
afraid for any movement or angle to turn you away.
for opal-coated irises and ribbon-laced fingertips
were just too innocent; and i'd live and die
to show you the moon and other things to live for.'
my absolute favourite stanza.
opal-coated irises & ribbon-laced fingertips = loveee. ♥ you know i`m a sucker for pretty imagery.
you inspire me so much. ♥
this has to be one of my favourite pieces by you.
then again, i love all your works. xD
ahmazinggg. ♥
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This is amazing.
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It seems you define people by constellations and rainbows, though not everything can turn out that beautiful.
(I have no idea, I just felt a poetic answer was called for, but I notice you use colors and planets to describe things that ordinary people don't and it's interesting to see them put in a way that isn't always happy)
I liked it anyway.
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holy lord above. your writing style is superior and you overall have such a stellar writing ability and amazing word choice, you have talent beyond any i have seen
thank you very very much for entering.
thank you again :]
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thank you so much!
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