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The Bitter Word

as suspicion's snare entangles,
strangling all spectators, leaving lacerations
on pallid, worn skin -

he tried his best to transmit,
only selfless sentences
but was returned with vengeance
& artificial responsibility.

Author notes

prompt :: mouth

those things are dangerous at best!

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments


  • And Hyetal
    March 28

    Edit | Reply
    I'm pretty sure I know who this is.

    I like the alliteration on the first two lines. (Though suspicions should be suspicion's ) But I don't think 'standbyers' is a word, so if you want to change it, you could use spectators (to keep the alliteration). Or, you could say 'strangling those nearby'.

    Each line doesn't have to be capitalized in poetry. It's free verse.

    Thank you for entering.


  • Jihi-Kami
    March 27

    Edit | Reply

    Just a Few Suggestions

    First of all, it is a piece of poetry, therefore the first letter of each line should be capitalized.
    Also, in the second line, "strangling all standbyers, leaving lacerations", I would suggest changing "strangling all stanbyers" to something like, "strangling all those nearby". It sounded a little awkward when I read it for the first time, but a bit clearer after a re-read. I also would suggest moving "leaving lacerations" to the next line. That might make the flow a little easier, its a bit awkward in that placing and is almost distracts a reader; its sort of upstanging the next line. Another thing I noticed while re-reading was, the first line "as suspicions snare entangles,". I'm wondering if you meant that as possesive (suspicion's) or pural (suspicisions. In which case it doesn't make much sense).

    Please note this is merely constructive critizism, I am in no way trying to be rude. I'm just a bit of a grammar freak -- but only a little. =)

    Under all that, I do understand the point of the poem, the topic of it. And it is very good. You have a meaningful topic, well chosen.

    =) I do hope I was a little helpful. I did enjoy the poem, once I was past the little grammar tweaks.

    --Misty


  • Candy Morphine
    March 27

    Edit | Reply
    This is great. Excellent alliteration subtle hid between the words. Brilliant take on the promt 'Mouth'.