Every look into your eyes,
Is but torture in disguise.
For beneath them lie the memories,
As sharp and clear,
As if they were but yesterday’s,
But of another life,
Another time,
When I was gazing in your eyes.
Memories of those Apple Days,
Walking together,
Talking together,
Beneath that autumn sun,
Of time spent before it all,
Of friendship and of love.
Memories of that day,
While in my room,
Where you confessed that you had seen,
Something in me,
That I had seen for years in you.
Memories of your hand in mine,
Wrapped tightly against the bitter cold,
Of the winds and freezing rain,
But oh, how they were kept warm.
Memories of our first kiss,
Of loving hearts,
And pure bliss,
When yours met mine,
And mine met yours,
I dove into paradise.
These memories flash through the mind,
As into your eyes I look,
A second only,
But there they lie,
Still fresh as yesterday.
Memories that bring back joy,
But also searing pain,
For what we love in reality,
Hurts in thought and vacancy.
Author notes
Old love... but still burning... on one side.
A contest entry
- Prewrites contest!! by AngelsKissesJenna.
470 points, ended March 28, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Any poems. by Blue-Rose Beauty.
1750 points, ended April 1, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - & Integrity by Oleander.
450 points, ended April 4, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Mood Of Poetry... by Jepardy.
700 points, ended April 17, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - GOLD DIGGERS ONLY (just for losers) by tarcus.
950 points, ended April 8, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Straight from the Heart by Ken-Maverick.
650 points, ended April 9, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - write to me about love <3 by NyxianaSpades.
700 points, ended October 16, 71 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I appreciate all criticisms. Please keep them constructive though.
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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ohh.. so sad. beautiful imagery. i could picture this whole thing.
Memories that bring back joy,
But also searing pain,
For what we love in reality,
Hurts in thought and vacancy.
...heart breaking part... -
Very, very nice
Nice rhythm to the piece, emotional Thank you for entering the contest and good luck
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Wow, I really like it. Brilliant write. Good luck in my contest
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I did ask for quite short!
This falls into the trap of using old fashioned language in a modern poem just to get a rhyme. For example, "is but torture in disguise" to rhyme with "eyes". No one uses that sort of language, it's archiac. Also there is too much repetition of words. "but" for example. Too much punctuation - you don't need the , and the . Also too many capitals I love the line: memories of those apple days... but it is completely ruined when you put capital A and D. It takes away the subtleness of the words. The line "Off time spent before it all" doesn't seem to relate to anything.
It then descends into cliches I'm afraid. Try and and find your own words and don't search for rhymes. Rhyming 'kiss' with 'bliss' has been done so many times before.
"When yours met mine,
And mine met yours"
Way too many words and repetition of 'yours' and 'mine'. Try and strip away every word which isn't needed.
"I dove into paradise"
This is not a good line. If anything it should be "dived"
For me the best line is:
Hurts in thought and vacancy
That's a great line it really is.
Strip this poem down and you are well on your way.
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Woow.this poem has alot of emontion in it...it great something special just for this contest!!
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solid write. you describe the happiness in the relationship really well. i think what would make this better is an expansion on the post-mortem and how you felt and feel about it.
thanks for the entry! -
Amazing
Wow i love this it reminds me of an old boy friend of mine Well done -
So much emotion, wonderfully written. I felt the emotion throughout the poem and felt the tug at my heart. Thanks so much for sharing, this was such a pleasure to read.
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Awe.This was sweet and sad at the same time.
it touched my heart.
And i could tell this came straight from your heart.
wonderfully penned .
good luck in contest and thenks for entering -
Well, I wish you luck in my contest.
This poem was most certainly sweet.
There is a lot of emotion swimming around in here
and the rhyme is done well, it seems natural, not forced.
All in all, not bad.
I like it. -
Aww this was sweet :)
"Memories of our first kiss,
Of loving hearts,
And pure bliss,
When yours met mine,
And mine met yours,
I dove into paradise."
Loved those lines
and yes you can be my little brother
Great Write and
Thank You for entering
Good Luck
-♥Amanda♥ -
JUDGED!!
Wonderfully penned sentiments straight from the heart indeed. It was a pleasure to read
All the best to you in the contest
Ken -
I confess to being confused at times with the grammar used within this piece.
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This poem is over fifty words, i have to remove it from the contest. How good this poem is is irrelevant, please read a contest before you enter one and save us both some trouble.
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Wow, thats the first thing that comes to mind when I read this. The second thing is the memory of a pair of sea green eyes that has managed to haunt my own thoughts for much too long, with the same thoughts of love ad hurt so tightly wrapped up in one another you just can't stand it. Eyes are truly the windows to the souls, and you caught that in the most pointed way, that sometimes its not the other persons soul thats bared to the world but your own to you. I love that. Amazing work and good luck in the contest.
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Good, but not quite what I was looking for. thanks for entering.
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Oh, I loved it!
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hmmm... I liked this, but I thought that it lacked imagery and metaphor. Good use of grammar though. I think that you could get more creative with this... Maybe use something to represent your love instead of making this just a love poem. Thank you for entering my contest.
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Wow very good
so much pain and hurt all mixed up in one
i liked it a lot and i understand, it may not have been the same way but its painful just the same -
wow
really enjoyed this poem.
I am shocked no one left a
comment on it. Well I am glad
to be the first.Cus this is a bloody
good poem.
Thanks for entering and good luck -
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Thank you! It was hard to write while thinking of her... but I liked the end result. And Good luck judging! The Competition looks fierce!
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