I didn't do it I say
I was never involved!
crying to try to persuade her
my mother
to see my reason
Thats not what your sister told me she says
Go into the timeout
She points
I stand
Not moving an inch
knowing that I am right
Its not fair
She blames me for everything
Even when i did nothing
Dont argue with me she yells
I know she is mad
But i didn't do it
It was sister
I plead
And i look behind her
Seeing sister
Sitting...
Smirking...
Knowing she had got me in trouble
A contest entry
- What is the worst thing parents can do to their children? by film.
500 points, ended April 11, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
so what do you people think i like it but i ask for all comments
Comments
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I was reading through the entries again, and couldn't help but want to comment again.
Thinking about this, I think getting blamed for things I never did was good for me. I think it taught me how to accept blame, and made me very comfortable with having people disappointed in me. Because in life, people will get disappointed in you a lot, but if you learn to accept it, it won't affect how you live. If you let it do that, it can ruin your life and get you living for other people, which never makes anyone happy.
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I think this piece could really benefit from some punctuation. all that you have right now is the one exclamation point, which I think is well placed. but I think you need some more, and could possibly even swap out some words for better fluidity.
for example, the second stanza could be done this way
crying in attempts to persuade her,
my mother,
to see my reason
I thought that having 'ry' sound two words in a row was offputting. I also think the commas do a lot for it. Also, the "Thats" that begins the next stanza should have an apostrophe before the 's.' As does the "its" of the fifth stanza.
You've got some good alliteration going on towards the end there, very good! I think if you just trim this up a bit, it could be a nice little poem
Thanks for entering
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