Night becomes unbearable. You run
to lights that play
circus music to stars,
that hide the view
of searchers unable to stop
even to acknowledge you.
You tear down paper people
in your way.
Cardboard walls of innocence
shelter your progress.
Sparks fly as you bounce over streets,
no causal connection
between you and the heat
you generate.
Where from here, dear girl,
can you go?
It’s not enough to know how to walk,
you must also know how to fall.
Author notes
http://www.deviantart.com/print/3714604/
Grammabuff
A contest entry
- Go Deep...... by aboomer.
700 points, ended April 7, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please Crtique - I intend to revise this.
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I think...
most people would like the end; and so do I
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Brilliant in every sense of the word! I liked the finish in this poem...very dramatic. Thanks again Beth for showcasing a great work of poetry!
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Sparks fly as you bounce over streets,
no causal connection
between you and the heat
you generate.
It’s not enough to know how to walk,
you must also know how to fall.
were my favorite lines
just curious were you saying that tearing people down was easy and if so what does walls of innocence have to do with this and sheltering your progress of tearing people down? I'm sorry i didn't have much to say I am a rhymer so i don't understand calling a poem a poem if it doesn't rhyme but then again i'm still learning smiles! Good luck with this -
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And I am obviously not a rhymer. I know it comes naturally to some, but not me. In my defenition, poetry is an emotional language that allows the writer to distill thought, emotion, concept, opinion, scene, to images and phrases that allow understanding without having to spell it out completely. There is a shorthand involved, no matter what form is used. (Ow, I'm really not that arrogant. Really!)
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LOL !
Don't worry i didn't think you arrogant smiles!I like different veiws! I just added a bunch more poems!I'm about to make some dinner so i'll be back in a bit... have a great night if we don't talk again.
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That was lovely
l loved it, interesting poem Buff, Thanks for sharing your works -
I read the poem before I saw the picture. I thought it held very interesting image and energy so I was taken even more afar when I saw the image.
The way some of the lines were broken really intrigued me. I don't see it that often, so I took my time to carefully read them correctly...I must say that I love it!
Síochán leat
~Mairéad~
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Line breaks are something I have played with alot. There are articles, books and classes devoted to the line! One of those modern MFA things, I think. To me, so much of writing is experimenting - what would it sound/look/feel like this way or that. So, play and have fun. Buff
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I read the poem first without seeing the image - enjoyed the visuals it conjured on it's own. In that context, this is my favorite part, where the 'heat' is metaphorical:
"Sparks fly as you bounce over streets,
no causal connection
between you and the heat
you generate."
I'm not sure I followed the "lights that play circus music to stars" line in the first stanza - but it's probably just me. I thought the line reads well without it -
Night becomes unbearable.
You run to lights
that hide the view
of searchers unable to stop
even to acknowledge you.
Just a thought. Neat poem though - some nice renderings with the paper people and cardboard walls, etc.. I enjoyed.
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Thanks for the read and the comments. The circus music is a reference to the youth of the girl in the picture. Without the picture it serves little purpose. Now that the contest is over, I may remove it as you suggest. Thanks.
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Sorry but...
...I "sort of" clicked this by mistake - well, actually, that's not technically true ; I was taken with your username, and hoped to pick you up on a grammatical point or two : no such luck.
Free verse simply turns me off, so, as I have absolutely nothing nice to say about the above piece, so I shall say nothing at all, except that I shall donate 3 bananas as part-recompense for wasting your points.
regards,
Robin.
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Error
You have written 'so' twice in the second sentence of your non-comment. One of them is redundant, on grammatical grounds -
Ah, what a shame that you hate good poetry. I personally don't like tortured syntax to create the rhyme, abandoning all semblence of meaning. Pedestrian rhyme sets my teeth on edge. But let's be friends, shall we?
Buff
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Two misnomers in one sentence. That's pretty good!
I neither consider this "poetry", nor "good"! And I don't believe YOU can be the judge of your own "poetry"!
Oh, and by the way, bad spelling and grammar set MY teeth on edge!
SemblAnce is spelled thus.
Tee hee!
Robin.
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I like this - great wording and depth. Nicely done!
critique?.....some lines a little long, but yet it fits well with this, so.....?..
...we all write differently, have different styles...but for me, I think I would put your first line at the END of the verse, not the beginning.....just has more of an impact or statement I think (personally)....maybe something like:
'Running to lights
that play circus music
to stars,
hidden from view of searchers
unable to stop you,
or even acknowledge you,
night becomes
unbearable.'
just a thought.....
I do like this.....nicely done.
thank you for your entry
best wishes
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I like your suggestion. Thanks for that and the HM. Buff
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oooo, i love this piece and the message in it. great write! i love the descriptiveness in it. very creative. cardboard people, paper images, awesome imagery stuff. that is what makes great poetry.looking forward to reading more. much more.
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Thanks for the comments. This is my first attemp at picture prompts (ekphrasis, if you want the 50cent word) - something I will try again soon. Buff
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