Those days when I sit alone, thinking about my friends, they seem to last forever. I've been taking that damn fluoxetine for two and a half weeks and no difference has it made. Those various pills I'm taking for this god forsaken irritable bowel syndrome don't seem to make the slightest bit of difference. I love my friends and they know I love them back, so much it hurts, sometimes. They're the only thing I can think of, when I'm holding that bottle of aspirin in my hand, thinking, wondering, questioning. But I see their faces, the sad tears dropping at my funeral. "What could we have done?" They all ask each other in desperation. But worst of all, I think of my eldest brother, telling people his little sister killed herself.
The pain in my stomach only seems to be getting worse, but I think it's just my imagination, for the fact that I'm always in pain and I can't tell whether I'm feeling better or not. Days sitting with a hot water bottle over my stomach, aching, crying, pleading for it to stop.
Then those flashbacks haunt me, reminding me. I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO ME, MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD. The only way to escape the torturous visions is to die. It happened ten years ago, and still it haunts me and affects me and still he pretends like nothing happened between us. He took advantage of an innocent six year old, you don't do that to people, especially not your little sister. In one of my poems I wrote that if he died, he wouldn't be dead. The memory will always be with me and so for him to die, I have to die also.
That ex again. Hmmm. I'm tired of going on and on about him, I'm tired of thinking about him and loving him. He was so beautiful, I knew it was too good to be true and couldn't last, why can't I accept it? Jesus!!
So, OK, these things taken into consideration, as well as other things with it, like missing so much school, I'll probably have to drop out, because I have SO much to catch up on, and the fact that most days, me and my mother are at each others necks and I'm just so fucking tired all the time... Wouldn't I be better off dead, anyway? Every night, when I eventually drop off to sleep, I hope, I wish, I pray to whoever's out there listening, as I'm agnostic, I don't believe in any religion but I do think there's something out there, that I wont wake up, that I'll just stay asleep forever.
But I think of my friends, I love them too much, more than myself and I can't go through with it. the thought of hurting them like this is far to much for me to take, I can't have that guilt...
So, what do I do?
I'm scared of living, of what will happen. What happens if I never meet another lover, if I'm never happy again, if I have kids and they end up hating me, if I turn out like my mother, if I turn out like my parents divorce?
I'm scared of dying. What the hell is there after you die?
So, I'll just live the scary life, and wait for the inevitable scary death.
Author notes
I have 2 brothers, by the way, 1 wonderful one, the other... not quite so...
I read the rules: BEAUTIFUL
topic no.3
Written March 1st, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Though these veins have been through much (prose contest) by Mildew in PinK tile.
350 points, ended March 3, 2004, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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I def know what you mean about loving your friends too much and trying not to hurt them, when i was reading it i was just like wow, i know what you mean! i think its great, and i totally know what you mean when you say what the hell is there after you die, it runs through my mind everytime i try to go to sleep too. awsome... -notfooled
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Its not cliche, thanks for your words
Yeah, I think that a lot of people have been there, in a way, i think it's kinda comforting to know others have been through the same thing as you, but also, I wish we all could just be left unhurt, ya know...
Thanks for messaging
Amberle xoox -
i love this piece so much, i related to a lot of the stuff...i'm not going to pretend i even know in the least what it's like to be hurt like you were by your brother, so i'll just be cliche and possible irritating and say that i'm really goddamned sorry...these parts especially jumped out at me as it was like my own mind speaking through you (o.O)creepy huh lol
"That ex again. Hmmm. I'm tired of going on and on about him, I'm tired of thinking about him and loving him. He was so beautiful, I knew it was too good to be true and couldn't last, why can't I accept it? Jesus!!"
and
"I hope, I wish, I pray to whoever's out there listening, as I'm agnostic, I don't believe in any religion but I do think there's something out there, that I wont wake up, that I'll just stay asleep forever."
sigh. fantastic write... -
Also, thank you BeautifullyWeird for messaging. Thanks for being so supportive, as well. I'm sorry for what you have been through, I can't imagine how bad rape must be, because there's that added element of fear, which I didn't have, but I do have now. And it went on for such a long time, god! I've written a story called "BitterSweet Freedom" which is about 2 girls who get raped by their father, might be too painful to read, but you might want to, whatever.
Thanks again for messaging and being so supportive, it's very much appreciated
XxX Pixie-Rose OoO -
Thank you FlavrdPoison. i wasn't sure if it had worked, whether it was too whiney or something. Thanks for making me think otherwise. Thanks for being supportive and sympathetic
XxX Pixie-Rose OoO -
Simply Great!
I have two brothers too but their not actually my real brothers.they live with me b/c were all in a foster home... so yea and one did do something to me but i stopped it (put a knife to his troat) but i dont think it would be as bad as you b/c he was your real brother...but then again i can relate b/c my own father raped me for more then 7 years.... god this piece brings back alot of surpressed memories. You did so well..it was like you were talking to me about your porblems i love that i mean seriously! It's alot like i feel and i cant really do anything b.c im being watched b/c im highly suicidal and i cant have any pills or alchol around me nor anything sharp enough to cut myself..its like a Psych ward in my own home..its horrible. But im doing better anyway...shit sorry im telling my whole life story lol well done here and good luck in the contest
-Dri- o.O -
aww this poem is soo horrible.. i dont mean that it is written bad .. in that way its beautiful ... i mean that all that that happened to u is horrible.. and i am sry u had to go thru ne of it.. u portray so much emotion .... u can almost make me feel what u feel thru ur writing.. good luck in the contest.. u def deserve a prize.. ~Yours, FlavrdPoison
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