feeding into the fairytale

sad songs and chick flicks are usually my muse.
but now, it's my memories.

the memories of failed relationships plague my mind like the black death plagued europe.
i've had my share of a few frugal, chauvinistic, sex-craving, self-pleasing bastards.
i refuse to list each man in my life who has broken a part, if not all, of me. so i will rant about them as a whole.

the men i've been with always needed to feel superior. i'm just a female. my feelings, ideas, aspirations-they don't matter. as long as i'm good enough to get the job done and be presented to everyone like a damn trophy.

i, like most other girls, have been treated like a rag doll-tossed aside until further use. i have let way too many guys walk all over me like a fucking doormat.

why yes you can borrow money that you have no intention to pay back. and that rumor i heard about you sleeping with so-and-so? of course i believe that you accidentally fell on her...naked. and the scratch marks on your back? well duh, your dad's cat jumped on your back while you were bent over tying your shoe. silly me! how DARE i accuse you of such atrocious things when i KNOW that you are a god damn saint.

what a stupid, naive little girl.

while i sat at home being a faithful, trustworthy girlfriend. you were out with the guys parading around like a cheap harlot. i am quite surprised i'm not completely infested with diseases.

and the night my grandma died...i was so selfish to not want to have sex. god, i'm such an undeserving bitch. after all, you were only thinking of me and wanting to make me happy again. how nice of you to care and look after my needs.

after the using and abusing...why do i even bother? i enter a relationship thinking it's going to be different from the past...and in the end i always leave with my heart completely obliterated. i invest so much time and completely give my whole heart to someone...just so they can take it and use me like a marionette. i'm always just sitting and waiting with my strings attached for my puppet master to come and jerk me around.

the lonely nights sleeping with you was like sleeping with a ghost. you always left me feeling cold and neglected. after a while...your touch became rigid and routine. i always knew exactly what your next move was. and in the end..even your "i love you's" seemed forced.

any man who uses force or harms a girl in any way and gets caught, comes up with the same lame excuse. tough love. i care so much for her--she needed to know that. and so to show your affection for someone you throw a beer bottle at their head? or take their kitten to the animal shelter to prove that they love something else more than you because you are a complete bastard and are not worthy of their love? yes i can see the love in that.

guys just know how to work girls to their advantage. they really do! they can make us happy, sad, and mad at them all in the same day!!! they toy with our emotions. it's like a game to them. a sick, twisted, masochistic game. it's how they exert their power. to show who really has the upper hand.

guys take one look at a girl and immediately see all of their weaknesses. and they use that to their advantage. they drop the smooth one-liners, whisper all the sweet nothings in our ear, and caress our arm just right.
look into my eyes and dazzle me baby. make me weak in the knees so that i may stumble and have you catch me. my knight in shining armor. how have i managed for so long without you around? to guide me when i'm lost. to catch me when i fall.

i am quite foolish to think that a guy could actually return the love i give. to actually be a "one-woman" man. to adore me and be completely infatuated with me. genuine guys and chivalry are long dead. so why do i get my hopes up everytime? why can't i just once go into a relationship knowing that it will end in a disaster?
it's because i'm optimistic. i see the glass as half full. i love the idea of nice guys existing. i'm a wholesome, fun-loving girl. i don't like to argue...so i won't cause problems. i don't stick up for myself...so it's easier for you to have full control and walk all over me.

i, like other nice fun-loving girls, so willingly become just another number. a new notch on that old bedpost. however, i won't sit here and say that i've never enjoyed a part of the games. i did. i enjoyed the parts you made me believe you cared and showed some interest. it did make me feel wanted and slightly appreciated.

so thank you for feeding into my fairytale. thank you for making me realize how naive i really am. thank you for helping me grow up.