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Remembering You-----

I remember your eye's, as they looked into mine.
The sadness was there.
The pain locked deep down inside.
I remember your eye's, when you could not wait to see me again.
I remember your eye's, when you could not say good-bye and we kissed again! 
I remember your eye's, as a treasured or cherished memory as I look into the sky.
When inside, I know I could never say good-bye!

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 6 of 6
  • graydeth
    September 9

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    I agree with some of the comments here, its an interesting write, and I do feel like it could be expanded and taken to another level. I've done the repeating thing before, but not at every line, but I can see how in a longer poem that would have been a huge turn off. If you do expand this, I would advise you to take that into consideration. Good Luck in my contest and thanks for entering.


  • Unbreakable3
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    Thankyou for writing a short poem first off. This was very good i didn't liek the constant repitition but it was good thanks for entering


  • MysteriousWhisper
    June 6

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    I like the repetition. I feel like it is a big vague and could use more description. something like this can be taken to the next level. good job and good luck in the contest!


  • AllexisReed
    June 5

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    Since this contest is anonamous, I don't know who writes the poems, but based on what I've read, this poem has the same style as another in the contest, so I'm guessing it is by the same author.

    If that is true, the comment for the other one pretty much goes for this one too. I don't see much in this poem that describes who you think I am by my profile page. I could be wrong? maybe that is the way you see me.

    It is a beautiful poem with well thought out lines, so I will have to come back and read this again when I do my final judging!

    Good Luck!


  • DramaQueen469 gold member
    May 8

    Edit | Reply

    Thanks for entering!

    Okay, two things:
    You don't need full stops at the end of every line - normal grammar rules should be obeyed
    On a slightly related note (and I say this as someone who did the same thing for YEARS), you don't need to capitalise the beginning of each line unless the form specifically calls for it... the beginning of each sentence is fine
    Also, "eye's" should be "eyes"

    However, this poem was short, sweet and to the point - thankyou for entering and I wish you the best of luck!

    Maria


  • fangs to blame
    March 24
    Edit | Reply
    It could do without the exclamation marks but it was a great write. I really enjoyed this.

1 - 6 of 6