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A Vampires Romance

Silver fangs protrude obscenely from my crimson red lips, caressing each inch of your skin, seeking the pulse beneath. Deep within, the essence of your life, your heart, beats faster and faster. I smell the trepidation in you through each crevice of your body. Like a cat, I lean into you, ready to pounce. Your heart's beat is faster still.

 

The smell in the air projects the bloody intimacy of our passion. Our terror filled romance, our strange infatuation. This scenario had been played out many times before, like a pirouette, yet the intensity of our emotions never faltered.

 

Every night is the same, your fear and my excitement mend to create a love that enthralls me so. However, one night in particular, things changed. 

 

You whispered my name to set the mood, followed by a series of allocates that forced my mind to succumb to yours. Drunk with pleasure I became your puppet. Helpless as I was, you became my guardian and perhaps my executioner. I blindly trust your strength, but power should only be given to the responsible and you are reckless. You abuse the power, thoughtlessly slicing my veins with a blade of callowness. You drain my blood, your lost in the moment. The evanescence of pain takes me by surprise.I gasp for air. We are both drenched in blood and thus, dragged back to reality.

 

I'm barely alive for you have stolen my life. It's my fault for blindly leaving it so unguarded. My soul escapes more with every breath I expel from my dying lungs. As your heart beat quickens in fear, I can feel mine struggling to move at all.

 

My lips inherit their last tender sensation as your blood soaked lips cradle them softly. Your kiss also reaches my forehead, leaving a drop of blood to run into my eye, which like its twin, is locked in an eternal gaze. As my heart slows to a stop, so does my raspy breathing, and the last words I hear are, "I loved you, I killed you, I love you still," followed by your convulsive sobbing.

Author notes

"I WANNA WIN" GEEZ
Goin for a gold here got silver TWICE

A contest entry

I love this

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 14 of 14
  • Thank you for entering PREWRITES FOR BRONZE & SILVER TROPHY WINNERS.

    Wishing you the best|
    Liquid


  • Knight70 silver member
    April 7

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    This is excellent writing.

    Some people do their best writing at 3 in the morning. With that in mind, I think you would make a very good novelist with the genre of paranormal novels that Love Spell publishes. This kept me enthralled from start to finish. Congratulations on the silver!

  • A really creative and intense poem that was a dark delight to read and ponder. Best of luck in my contest, and thanks fotr entering.

  • For a three am write, it is great. =D Just so you know.

    This is good, very creative and imaginative.
    The imagery is great...


  • JaycobKay
    March 26

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    Wow, I don't know if this was just REALLY good, or if it just seems so since this is my LIFE right now and for the past two years.
    I do know, actually. It's both good And familiar.

    This was very powerful and I just loved your descriptive words; it's something that I have trouble with myself, tending to be more simplistic.

    There were some things that bothered me, though, in one stanza...

    I'm barely alive for you have stolen my life. It's my fault for so blindly leaving it so unguarded. My soul escapes more with every breath i expel from my dying lungs. My heart beats slower while yours begins beats faster.


    - the repetitive use of "So" in this first bit, and "so" sounds, such as in stolen. This seemed out of place. In my opinion, removing one "so" from the second sentence will do very well.

    - "My heart beats slower, while yours"...
    After that part of the sentence, meaning evades me. I'd try some punctuation in place, to make that one sentence for sentence more sensical

    Otherwise, this just about made me cry, and I feel like I'm going to be coming back to this one a few more times before letting it go...


  • silverscent gold member
    March 25

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very powerful write. Isn't it strange how the best things come to you at the strangest times...like 3am?
    I did like this a lot. Just wondered though, in regards to my contest, which prompt this would link in with?
    Thanks for entering.

    • I actually connected it with this one.

      "Blood red lips like soft intentions
      Kiss my eyes - they're black and blue"


      It related in my mind because the whole quote to me felt like pain through pleasure, Death through love, Which undoubtably relates to my piece. I'm glad you enjoyed it =]

  • Dark The Poet
    March 25

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    I like what I read.

    This is a beautiful write. It is very smooth and full of emotion.  The images are crisp and clear. However at the end I felt a little rushed to the conclusion. Like in the beginning each action was smooth and deliberate the change in power should be the same. Is this a story or a poem, or perhaps a fable. What ever you name it I like it very much. If you make it a poem I think you should consider stanzas.
    Much Love
    Dark

    • This is.....

      You asked what this is, I don't really know. It is the result of very little sleep to be honest. I wrote it a few months ago at like 3 in the morning one night. I Don't know. I Think its a story, either that or that's what I want it to be because I believe stanza's would slaughter it. Also to be quite honest i can see what you mean when you say its rushed but honestly, I'm afraid to change anything in it. Plus don't you see how a rushed ending fits? By the end of this story, everything is quickening, The heroine is dying. The boy she is with must be feeling so many emotions at once and besides, the story IS from the dying woman's point of view, so wouldn't you write in a rushed manor if you knew you were dying?

      The first defense in an emergency is always "it all happened so fast!," isn't it?

      Love always
      -Max

      • Dark The Poet
        March 25
        Edit | Reply

        I feel you.

        I hope you know that I think your story is beautiful just as it is. But to respond to your question about dying, If I were in pain I would want to pass away quickly , but if I were in the throws of the Vampire's kiss (Bite) like an orgasm the feeling last longer than the act. But thats just my view. What you wrote is great. I did not mean to imply otherwise.
        Much Love
        Dark

  • I like the second stanza
    "terror filled romance", very good
    I like the idea of betrayed love where there is love.
    If you want my help: try shorting it, you can take out a few phases and make it flow better.


  • hisaddiction
    March 24
    Edit | Reply
    very nice...dark and lovely

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