Moonlight, shattered by her struggled dreams,
litters its watery grave, framed beneath the lidless eye
of night.
And she slumbers amongst the shards,
her every regret playing in her tangled hair
like dead baby fish.
The depths are her dreams, suspending her,
unseen by her (except in blindness).
Sinless, she is touched only by sunlight
weaving gold into her hair and between her fingers.
Her skin's face blooms like brown flowers.
Sprawled, the water explores her;
the moonlight strips her and makes her a mother.
She will give birth to night only the next morning.
A contest entry
- infinite spaces between atoms by whiterabbit..
500 points, ended April 15, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whispers of the Muse by SubKitten.
3045 points, ended May 19, 156 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
A bit too wierd...?
Comments
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Very good imagery and emotion in this piece. The first few lines being broken up the way they are was a little strange for me, but otherwise, the flow was very smooth. Your line about dead baby fish threw me off a bit -- It seems out of place when surrounded by the elegant imagery of the rest of the piece.
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Fair enough about the fish, but I recently read a poem that does the same thing: http://www.angelfire.com/tn/plath/mirror.html
It's beautiful until the very last line...
Just thought you might be interested
Thank you for the kind review.
Zeppy xxx -
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That's true, Plath used the same kind of sudden twist. And as much as I love the piece overall, that line has always made me shudder, lol. Having that kind of twist at the end is somewhat different, I think. Since it's putting that line at the end, it's not suddenly putting that image in your head in the middle and then going back to the beautiful imagery. But that does make me give yours another look. I think it was partially the wording that got me on that. "Dead baby fish" doesn't quite fit with the image of her troubles "playing in her hair". When I read that, I think something moving and squirming in her hair, and a dead fish would just be laying there. Maybe something like "dying fish" or "writhing fish" would have still giving the image you were going for?
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I kinda wanted it to be jarring... I mean, it really makes you read it, doesn't it? It's like if you put unexpected words, pictures or notes in music and other arts, it makes them stand out and you appreciate them more. I know the wording is kinda clumsy, but I meant for there to be equal emphasis on each word and to do that I needed to use short, blunt words. Thank you for the review, however, and I will revise this poem
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I really like the theme of this and the feeling that it has. The descriptions are wonderful and this is beautifully written. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you for commenting!
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no problem
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a good poem - a dark twist to the moonlight theme, usually when i see moonlight poems they are romantic notions.
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Have you ever heard 'Moonlight Sonata'? I think this poem is kinda like that: it sounds really ominous and sad, but it was written to be a love poem. I kinda meant for this to be like that. Thank you for commenting!!
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