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footsteps fading


footsteps fading ...
the ocean rocks to and fro
in a gentle mist
my heart yearns for us to be
last night's embrace once again
 
 
(edited before close of contest)
 
footsteps fading ...
the ocean sways to and fro
in a gentle mist
my heart yearns for us to share
last night's embrace once again

 
 

Author notes

Tanka was often used as the style of choice between lovers ... to share remorse ... loss ... and love. They would send these back and forth instead of simple letters. A great era.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • Draig aine gold member
    April 10
    Edit | Reply

    CONGRADULATIONS ON THE GREENIE

    stunning, again great emotion, memories of falling asleep on a sail boat


  • Viyanna Rosemarie silver member
    April 6

    Edit | Reply
    this is beautifull written. thank you for sharing with me today and i wish you luck in this contest you have entered. viyanna rosemarie


  • Heroesrox
    March 31

    Edit | Reply
    Great era! Indeed!!!

    Thanks so much for sharing this with us!

    Keep up the great work!!!!


  • yukitosumi
    March 23
    Edit | Reply
    I agree--it was a great era. Well, love poetry wise anyway.
    You expressed longing in this piece very well indeed! I enjoyed it immensely. The first section was wonderful. I had to read the last line a number of times before it made sense. The language was slightly awkward for me. I hope you get a lot of other opinions on that point though as it may just be me.
    Thank you again for this wonderful tanka!
    Y and S

    • haikumonk gold member
      March 23
      Edit | Reply
      ahhhh... used the word "share" in L4 and it made L5 work dandy... thanks again for your keen eye. Please disqualify this particular poem as I changed it as a result of your comment... I just want the poem right more than anything else. Thanks again.

      Don
      the Monk

      • yukitosumi
        March 24
        Edit | Reply
        you're certain you want me to disqualify it? I certainly can if you like, but it's more than welcome to stay! I'd love to keep it!

        • haikumonk gold member
          March 24

          Edit | Reply
          I'd love to leave it in... especially the revision. If the edit is ok with you, lets leave it in. Thanks,

          Don
          ps... I usually don't edit a poem once its in a contest... but I know it's probably ok until the contest closes... so, thanks a bunch.


          • yukitosumi
            March 24

            Edit | Reply
            Oh no problem! I was very sad at the prospect of having it leave! Thanks for staying in the contest!
            Best,
            El

    • haikumonk gold member
      March 23
      Edit | Reply
      Hi... and thanks so much for your kind comment. I appreciate it very much. I pushed the English a bit there not wanting to go over 7 syllables... I write 5/7/5/7/7 or less... most often less... but I try not to go over.... last line might really need "in last night's embrace once again"..... that would be perfect English... LOL... but, then I saw that the zen of it all... thought it would be awesome... instead of "in" anything "they are" last night's embrace... and so, I thought it might work....

      "my heart yearns for us to be
      last nights embrace once again" (to be...last night's embrace) rather than "in"....

      ugh... it was worth a shot.... LOL

      Thanks for your keen eye. I'll ponder this one some more as I like readers to be able to immediately understand, at least the surface meaning, of the poem without grammatical hangups.

      Take care and thanks again.

      Don

1 - 14 of 14