He had hell tattooed up and down his arms. Visceral scenes of carnage and death and demons peaking through his rolled up sleeves.
"That goes all the way up your arms?" I asked.
"I’ll show you the whole thing some time," he said as he passed me a tray.
This week his community activity was handing out the hospital food trays. last week he was the mayor. he gave me my lunch and when he was done we sat together with the other alcoholics, crack heads and dope fiends.
This is rehab. Stale hospital smells. Processed foods. Coloring time. Group therapy. Relapse prevention, recovery class, AA, NA, CA meetings. All in one day everyday for 28 days. I came in 5 days after him. I was a bad drunk.
He had a nervous laugh and in group I would see him giggling when certain people shared. It made me laugh too. He told me it's good to laugh in here we need that. but when it was his turn to share he was always serious and honest.
"I want to stop but I don't see it. If I got out right now and you gave me some money the first thing I’d do is buy a bundle of dope. I have 2 brothers and they're fine they don’t know what's wrong with me. And my mom I never want to hurt her. That’s why I’m telling on my addiction like you guys said. i see him," pointing at another dope fiend, "and he's 45 and he's in here for the same thing and i think to myself I’m 25 well I got 20 more years I could do this, or at least 10 but... i know that's not true"
"That’s good Jason one day at a time just keep coming and keep telling on yourself. Right when you get out go to a meeting," the group speaker would say.
On family day he talked about oblivion in group and again said he'd never forgive himself if he hurt his mom. She was holding his hand. He got out 5 days before me but I got his number. He lived nearby. We’d go to some meetings together. stay clean together.
I talked to him the day i got out. I called him up and gave him directions to my house. He wanted every detail. He told me he was going to outpatient treatment 5 days a week for 5 hours. He hated it but "yeah I’ll pick you up whenever and we'll go to the one by me,"
“Sounds good. Ok talk to you later,” I said and hung up.
The next day i was going to call him but instead I walked around town tempting myself to go buy some beer or liquor. But on that particular day I didn't.
The moon. A beer. The sun. A beer. The next day. Again I’m debating calling him, my mind is racing with temptation I can't call him. I’ll just lay here with the phone next to me. It rings.
“Hello?”
“Hey its me Tom," a strangely all too familiar voice digitally echoed.
"Who?" I asked
"your bunkmate from rehab."
"Oh hey man what's up?"
"...Jason’s dead.”
“What are you talking about? What the fuck!? Are you kidding?” I get light headed, and the room seems to grow distant.
“Why the fuck would i kid about that shit? He O.D'd. Yesterday. He told me he relapsed and he was using as much as when he got in. his tolerance was lower I told him man I said yo you're gonna kill yourself if you use that much.” Tom had been to rehab 3 times.
“Oh my god I should have called him,” I spewed, “I was going to call him.” The words seemed hollow.
“Wouldn’t have changed a thing man.”
After talking to Tom for a few more minutes the reality still would not sink in. I hung up and dialed Jason’s phone number. After a few rings it went to voice mail. When I heard the beep I felt the truth- he was never going to pick up. I was patched through to the other side. I said my goodbye.
The next night I bought three 40's and drank them. I woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed. Again.
I never did get to see the rest of his tattoo.
Author notes
this is a true story. i will be editing and working on the grammar but besides that i want critical reviews if you have any on the style of writing and all that kind of stuff. you can ofcourse also leave your thoughts on any aspect of this.
What does it mean to you?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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An important story, that gives just a glimps into a different world. thank you.
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Stories like this one need to be told... I read a few of the comments and your authors' notes and it seems that you're already going to work on the grammar/punctuation aspect, and that's all I've really got for you, just structure things. And I really like the tie-in with the tattoo. Good beginning/end.
"All I have to say is this is not about illiterate dropouts. Sure some of them definitely were but there was a police officer, a teacher, a lawyer and I'm not sure how many other 'educated' people in there."
...no shit, and people don't understand that sometimes. They see addiction as this problem that junkies in east L.A. have, far away from their upper middle class white collar lives, but it hits close to home sometimes. My art teacher in middle school left partway through the year for rehab. It's all over the place.
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thank you for reading. thank you for being you. i appreciate your understanding of the issue. addiction/substance abuse is something that anyone can fall into and i hope someone reads this and thinks 'well that's not much fun,' and walks away from this deadly path.
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http://allpoetry.com/group/show/Recovery%20Rocks
that is a recovery support group i started here and would like to invite you to join. this is a painfully sad write to read and i hope you find recovery. viyanna rosemarie
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I have such an immense appreciation for poetry that tells a story. I tend to write very personally as well and this is none the less, real. It can be cleared up a bit with the sequencing and quotations, but this work demands respect and praise.
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thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment on this piece i appreciate that tremendously. I have fixed it up a bit and listened to yours and others advice and think it's getting there with what needed work like quotation marks and format. thanks again.
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FEELS REAL
I know a guy who was drunk and killed five people in a car wreak. He was in jail for a long time but now is married has a family and a job. He leads a local AA meeting. No matter how F...ed up it all seems there is still a chance you will kick and stay sober. It might take a while and you have to stay alive in the meantime. Not a bad write, i would use quotes more consistently for clarity as to who is speaking.
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thanks i have made the quotes consistent throughout and fixed the formatting of it so it looks more legible. and yeah i think it's important for people to hear this every now and then to learn from the mistakes of others instead of having something like this happen to them.
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I was in the hospital for depression. 3 Days and all I got was a matress on the floor (they don't have beds for patients with back surgery) and a tape on not relapsing. Not relapsing? I hadn't even been to a group, seen a therapist, anything and they think I'm to the point where I need a video on not relapsing from alcohol and drugs? I'm in this hellhole for depression,man. And the nurses. The way the look at you, speak to you, order you. My time in hospital left me with one thing: I will NEVER go to one for rehab of any sort again. I didn't want to die when I went in, but I sorta watned to there. Careless, unfeeling, cold. I'm sorry about your friend. I'm sorry about your struggles. It is ann illness, no matter what anyone says, just like depression. Please stay strong.
Rae
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wow.
true story... really?
and such is the tragic real of life.
i didn't find a thing wrong with your story.
the style i thought was nice.
some might say you could add more drama with the line grouping, but i think it's fine.
upper case isn't your style, nor mine.
so i can't bitch about that either.
i loved the way you started and ended with the tattoos.
the first few lines drew me in right away.
it was really great.
sorry it's true, the sad reality is most people can't get clean.
i have only ever seen it happen once.
and he could still crack one day maybe.
nothing fixes a junky, it's all about them fixing themselves.
sorry that jason didn't have it in him to fight it for his mom.
but such is the story of dope.
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yeah its sad but it needs to be told. maybe a little story like this will help someone avoid that path, maybe not. i just had to tell the tale. im glad you noticed the tattoo thing. as always i appreciate your comments my friend.
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any time.
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yo wheres all the capitals an shit whats up wit da bad english my names barry i like men blah blah blah
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I have no problem about the lack of capitals and bad English as you are writing about illiterate drop-outs and junkies who probably were in the back row when education got handed out, so it adds to the atmosphere. Although I feel the style is a little demodé.
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Thank you for your critique. All I have to say is this is not about illiterate dropouts. Sure some of them definitely were but there was a police officer, a teacher, a lawyer and I'm not sure how many other 'educated' people in there. It was a cross-section of society that included every class, business owners to homeless people, gangsters to police. The one thing they have in common is substance abuse. It can happen to the most educated among us you should know that. I would like this to illustrate what happens when you keep going down that dark and deadly path. Thanks again. I will try to update the style somewhat this is definitely a draft as it is.
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