Vicarious

You always told me that I was too fragile, and that fragile things break easy, like porcelain or china. I was only as fragile as the future we set foot on everyday. I used to talk about you like you put the stars in the sky, like your piano fingers weren't enough to break me down. You played chords all over my body, left high notes tapped into my rib cage, and lullabies stayed on my collar bone.

I ran away from home once, if you could call it a home, it was three a.m and I was walking on a bridge. It started to pour down rain on me and my skin bloomed violet in the fading light. I told myself it was my fault, and when you came to get me, you said it was his, but I knew it couldn't have been. You asked me how I was taking it and i said i just wanted to go home, to only more brutality than before.

When your mom died, I let you cry on my shoulder, you talked to me about everything. I wanted to suffer for you so you wouldn't have to feel the sadness want to take you away, because honestly, I didn't think you could take it. I wanted so bad, to take your pain away and for you to be less broken. Your piano fingers faltered on a couple notes after that, and only played sad, sad songs into my spine at night.

When you caressed my face everyday, your eyes thought I would break. They swirled gray and green in a mist of beautiful breakdowns and chords you've never struck. I twirled my hair and hugged you,I tried so hard to keep you together, so that your vitreous heart wouldn't crumble to dust in my hands and you wouldn't be void of emotion, and maybe just maybe you would someday love me.

Soon your robotic movements began, maybe you did them out of memory, but your piano fingers never moved quite the same anymore. They struck the wrong notes all too often and never flowed smoothly. Sometimes your elegant fingers would stay still, and not even try to hit the keys in fear that perfection would gnaw at your brain, in fear that you would mess up again and again. You grew quiet and solemn, and your breakdown eyes became empty. I wanted to deteriorate for you, I wanted my eyes to be empty, so yours could be happy. I wanted my fingers to falter so yours could play, I wanted my heart to collapse into dust in place of yours, so you would have more to live for, besides car crash moments, theme parks and city lights, besides me.

You told me yesterday that you couldn't love me like i love you, because you're dying. You said you were so broken inside that there was nothing to fix it. That there was no heart beating within your ribcage, and that your automated movements were because you weren't happy. You said there was no point in living when you were empty, hollow, vacant, gone. As you said that tears slid out of your empty eyes and extinguished the fire of my hair, on your pillow. I looked into your goodbye eyes and told you i would stay, forever.

Today, you look into my eyes yet again, like I'm fragile. You look at me like, with one slip of your trying-again piano fingers, I could shatter. You're being extra careful, trying not to stumble. I tell you it's okay and to keep going, just like every other time. I promised you forever yesterday. I wont leave, and you seem to be recovering, I take the sadness out of your stares and make you smile at my own expense. I will corrode for you forever.