in the dead damp
of night
unnamed stillness
clots the air
like thickened blood
seeps into lungs
call me names
i'll weep
and forget in time,
but when i ask
how to change
don't leave me
scattered like
bills on the floor
don't walk away
for a better hypocrite
Author notes
blah. i'm so emotionally numb about my parents that this was all i could get out. it's lame, i know.
A contest entry
- What is the worst thing parents can do to their children? by film.
500 points, ended April 11, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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unnamed stillness
clots the air
Here, the word "stillness" is really important, because it almost contradicts what happens in the next lines
like thickened blood
seeps into lungs
This would produce a lot of choking and struggling, which would be in no way "still." I had to read the first stanza a few times, trying to extract the images that you were trying to convey, but something in my head wasn't perceiving it. I couldn't figure it out, but I think it's those contrasting words.
The thing about this poem is how unrelated a lot of the ideas are. I have read the whole thing six or seven times at least now, and I'm still not completely understanding. It makes it a really difficult experience for the reader when you only give us little bits and pieces of what's really going on. Thanks for entering though, I really appreciate it. -
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thank you for the critique, i agree with everything you said. thanks for hosting the contest, too
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you're welcome
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it is in no way lame.
it's very emotionally honest and the imagery with the bills and the blood is amazing.
really. this is great.
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Usually I don't like shorter-lined poems, but this one was very well done to me. I like the bluntness about it, and the short lines made it sound harsher. And I love the way you used the word hypocrite.
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i'm sorry baby D=
I love you. -
True sometimes parents don't get how thin they spread their children out.
Its understandable they want them to be a good person....but hypocrisy will eventually be noticed and challenged.
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