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james, on the side of the road in montana

your hands clouded the sky

I laughed until I could not breathe, until I could not speak,
until I was only eyes and tongue

there was a ghost house
between the horizon and the highway;
from the passenger seat
I pinched it between my fingers

we pulled out all of our belongings
so I could find my camera:
families passed my white sedan,
flying red ribbons from the antenna,
with penguins glued to the windows and pillows on the pavement,
and made frightened faces at us
from their passing cars

I was barefoot and my hair stood sticky
from days without a wash
when you kissed me,
I caught your tongue between my teeth

your heart tasted like cinnamon and mud
your hands were always warm

for the first time, you told me you loved me--

my eyes were wide
and you were silent

Author notes

I was in a mood where I didn't want capitalization. This is largely uncharacteristic.

Let me know what you think.

A contest entry

Serious critique, please. :)

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • Jersene gold member
    March 26

    Edit | Reply
    I love how you take the reader back to this precise moment. You set up the visuals and then bring in the emotion that makes this moment so memorable. Excellent penning. Thank you so much for your entry

  • Asabouros.
    March 21

    Edit | Reply
    I don't think I can find a single thing about this that isn't great. Except maybe "and made frightened faces at us " it works grammatically that way, but it caught me up and for the ease of reading, maybe it should be 'making'? (or perhaps i'm just sleepy... )


    besides that, this poem makes me envious... it's vivid and i absolutely adore (a.d.o.r.e.) the ending.


    *buys you a gravy boat called the S.S. marmalade as a gift for being so awesome*


    • vaguelyfamiliar
      March 22
      Edit | Reply
      hah Thanks for the gravy boat. *hands you a dead snail* I apologize that it's all I have this morning.... but I named him Laius, because Oedipus the frog killed him, so I think that's kind of awesome.

      Anyway. Thank you for the resounding compliments. Critique is okay, too, little lady but I truly appreciate all of your kind words. I wasn't fishing, so you know. ....I don't even know how.