I began to cave--
flimsy bones that weren’t
architecturally designed
to stand upright
splintering at the hip
fracturing mirror translucency
the cement
quietly soaks me up
joining
the millions
already six feet
underground
Author notes
prompt: we are as silent as the falling rain
34 words
i thought i would try writing without punctuation.
did it work? or should i put it in haha.
title credit goes to: and velveteen
thanks.
In a list
A contest entry
- Contest Best Prewrites From March 2009 by amaranthine lover.
1400 points, ended April 22, 32 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 30-40 words of Brilliance #61 by Aussie Gypsy.
700 points, ended April 3, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
24.2/25
Amazing little piece you had penned here! -
I like this. I really like this.
People often remind me of rain drops. For several reasons:
1) We are only noticed when the sun isn't shining for us (think Sylvia Plath, and others who have become household names due to tragedy)
2) We plummet toward death at an alarming rate (life is over far too quickly)
3) We come in all different shapes and sizes, but really we all fade together and make one dreary mass
4) Once we've fallen (died) we sink into the ground and are barely discernable
So your poem really echoed a lot of thoughts I've been having for the past year or so - but could never write out. I love that you were able to verbalize so complex a thought with such simplicity.
Brilliant! Congrats on your shiny bronze!
-
-
thanks so much!
-
-
I really enjoyed this, something a little more out there. It captured me to be sure. Best to you in the contest
-
"joining
the millions
already six feet
underground"
Ohh dark and so interesting!
Brilliant!
-
"the cement
quietly soaks me up"
I love the soft feelings of despair from that stanza.
this was gorgeous & so sad, love.
I agree; you had better place in this contest. <3
-
I began to cave--
why do you need a double dash? one would suffice.
splintering at the hip
fracturing mirror translucency
the cement
quietly soaks me up
gorgeous. not the kind of writing i expect from you but still beautiful.
awesome write emu, you'd better place. -
-
i like having 2 haha.
lol not the kind of writing in what way?
-
-
Very well done with a touch of humor at the end. I might suggest a change of dynamic for line #8 ie; "quietly soaks me up." Good luck in the contest and happy trails.
-
Gosh, this is so perfect. The take on the prompt is flawless, yet original.
Amazing work.
-
beautiful...
i think this works without the punctuation. it has a natural flow.
good luck in the contest
-
this piece was awesome - stunning imagery, it kind of reminded me of watching a ballerina dance.
if that makes sense o.O
haha, im wierd, nevermind.
you know what would be a perfect title?
"rustic"
-
-
mmm i love that word.
i might just use it
even though i just got a couple comments saying they like 'eloquence' :\
oh well.. -
-
its all up to you
-
-
hehe.
changed it
-
-
tehe
-
-
-
-
-
this is really good. I love it all except the 2nd stanza-thing.
The shattering like a mirror bugs me for some reason.
maybe...as mirror-panes fracture? I dunno.
other than that, I really like this. the ending is kind of chilling and 'the cement soaks me up quietly' wow. really really like that line.
great job, good luck! :]
-
I love the title. That would be why I clicked in the first place. But I, like Shelley, am bad with titles so... my opinion may not be the best. But like I said I did click on it because of the title.
-
This is like.
Great.
34 words?
It seemed like more, in such a good way.
I think it did work without punctuation.
And I like the title, but I suck at titles so a second opinion is better lol
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
