Alone in an abandoned and desolate hotel room
sits an ancient and bone weary man.
Exhausted and hurting he sits with his back
against the cold damp wall of his gloomy surroundings
waiting
wanting
wishing things could be otherwise.
He is so weary of the circumstances
that have brought him to this place
to this time of his life.
He looks at the half empty bottle in his hands
slowly a tear falls gently into his lap landing upon a torn wrinkled letter.
The dreariness that surrounds his soul
slowly begins to fade as the alcohol and pills
that he had ingested earlier that evening
begins to take affect.
Suddenly to his dismay he notices that the room
where it had once been cold and dark
now appears to be getting brighter.
Curiously he watches as the room
slowly begins to change
Inside the air had a warm feeling to it
The cold dreary darkness was now being replaced with
a brighter warmer tone.
He looks up letting the warmth invade his tired weary Soul.
Finally at peace
With no longer any fear of the dark
He enters into the light.
Author notes
I think that i am finally through with this one. Hope you guys like it.
AN is t r e k k e r g i r l
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A contest entry
- I Feed Off Poetry. by RealitysAStory.
500 points, ended March 29, 41 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - xx Short Poems. May The Best ShortWrite Win! xx by xxRainbowDawnxx.
700 points, ended March 31, 103 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewite Contest by T.o.r.t.u.r.e..
475 points, ended April 2, 94 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I WANT ANYTHING! by Umi Juvariel.
4300 points, ended April 9, 369 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Calling all gold and silver prize poems.. (Round 1) by xXGoddessofPainXx.
400 points, ended April 23, 43 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A contest just because I want to comment people. by AutumnsFlame.
400 points, ended May 29, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I should have won the gold! (Silver trophy pre-writes) by Keith E. Gerber.
650 points, ended September 2, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Best Shot (Round Contest - Round 1) by Forgotten Anomaly.
550 points, ended September 18, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 65 of 65
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This is good.
I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for entering
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This is very good and I like how you transitioned into the light after what seems like an enternity of fearing the emotions and the dreariness of everyday life.
I like it, I like it so!
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These lines are very good.
He looks at the half empty bottle in his hands
slowly a tear falls gently into his lap landing upon a torn wrinkled letter.
He looks up letting the warmth invade his tired weary Soul.
Finally at peace
With no longer any fear of the dark
He enters into the light.
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honesty
this is a good work of what people think about when they are old and are about to be on their deathbed (if unfortunately they are not there already). there's a lot of honesty in there. nicely done!
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oh....my.....BRAVO! BRAVO!
your ink bled my heart
and tears that understood
the brutal reality of this poem.
oh...my.....this is a powerful powerful poem.
What courage it must have taken to write it!
wow!
ears/Seattle
way to write!
you know, it just might be...
one of those poems....
that unless you've been
touched by it....
you don't understand it...
I couldn't believe the
poets comments below.
I would have given you
PUREST GOLD
for the courage to write this!
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I thought this was pretty good. Nice imagery, good story. It didn't really surpirise me though, I could kind of guess what was coming. Thank you for entering my contest.
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This is a lovely piece so serene, so calm so at peace with the world. I love it! Really great write.. Welcome to round 2!
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Great peaceful poem here. It makes me smile that you wrote such an uplifting piece. Excellent write and good luck in my contest.
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Again, brilliant work of your pen. I love poems that tell a story, just I think this one would be a bit better with rhyme, but it is your choice, dear poet.
Nela -
Wow, such a story in this piece. I felt like a fly on the wall of this room, I was really there watching the piece unfold. Great write. Full of emotion.
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This is beautiful. Such an inspirational write. There was so much imagery in this I could see it in my head. Congrats on t he silver trophy, this was such a wonderful poem/story, it was very well written. Good luck in all the other contests.
Blessings,
~Michaela~
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Ooh...
This is quite good. Really, really pretty indeed. -gives jelly babies- -
"The dreariness that surrounds his soul
slowly begins to fade as the alcohol and pills
that he had ingested earlier that evening
begins to take affect."
love this part! -
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I guess this means that you like it. Thanks for sharing that with me.
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I like it.
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thanks glad that you commented. I do appreciate it.
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Emotionally deep
and it paints a grim picture of how many people's realities turn out
You penned this well -
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thanks. I really appreciate your words. They mean a whole lot to me.
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Sad at first, it is a grim portrait, but then it becomes more hopeful and uplifting toward the end, bringing release from the misery he was subjected to. Well written.
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I am glad that you think so.
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sad at first then it turns to an almost hopeful mood ... but it seems that only death has brought release from pain so I don't know if that's hopeful or not ... nice job with the imagery though.
raker -
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yeah I would call it hopeful for the simple reason is that there is a release that he was looking for. Peace at long last.
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oh wow i really like it. I love the imagery used. its alomost like you can feel how they old man feels.
My favorite lines:
"The dreariness that surrounds his soul
slowly begins to fade as the alcohol and pills
that he had ingested earlier that evening
begins to take affect."
This is a really good write. Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest.
P.S. Sorry for being difficult -
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no you have never been difficult. And I am glad that you liked the poem. That means a whole lot to me.
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if you would please space your name out in your AN like this : X x D r o w n . M e . D r y X x . Just out a space between each of your letters. Please. If you chose not to thats fine but i would like you you give me a reason.
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I really like the way you used the words to describe such a tragedy here. This may be my favorite from you. Good job!
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ummm. i don't know what to say. i lost someone to suicide several years ago, and it haunts me. im not sure that i agree, that even if you are ready for death, that suicide is an option. suicide leaves terrible devastation in its wake.
who knows, maybe im just bitter from past experiences . but don't get me wrong, i do like the poem. it's harsh and soft at the same time.
well done poet. -
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I was not trying to make suicide an easy thing just show for some people it is a decision and not one meant to hurt or destroy another. In this persons case he had been living with pain for a long time... and the letter was what broke his back. Maybe the letter told of a childs loss, a lovers loss, or someone he cared about greatly leaving him. Maybe it was a letter telling him he was fired. whatever the letter had in it had taken the last hope that he had left. And without hope... in his case he felt life was not liveable.
Yet, in the end... he felt the light... the light of our Lord. The true giver of hope. And that is why he went willingly into the light.
I hope that you understand my poem better now.
I am sorry for your friends suicide. And I agree that this type of death is not a good one. I have known people who have killed themselves. They usually do not have a good reason for killing themselves and are usually high on some kind of drug. But the pain they feel are real. All they need do is hold out their hand and reach for a friend.
In my poem this man had no one.
I am sorry for your pain
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A very unexpected twist, you got me curious right from the start and I couldn’t take my eyes and thoughts off your words. With each word to sentence I kept predicting what on earth was that old weary man doing there and so on.
I do feel its more of a short story but great effort into making a structure for it, its simple and gives the reader time to dive into his/her own thoughts.
ooo and exquisite description! =)
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thanks for commenting about my poem. I rather like it myself.
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Well, this is very different from what I've been reading this morning.
I really like the vocabulary and the full descriptives.
Although this has a form that might fit the prosaic style, the verbs are interferring with the 'stature' or poetic character.
I am wondering if this might do best in prose, eg;,short story. There is a new poetic device, however you could use between the lines so that it serves a focus. It is called "haiku torque" or in term, 'haibun'. It is extremely simple, sophisticated and effective. I've used it in short stories.
Example: Go to the middle of this piece and place one there in italics:
-He is so weary of the circumstances that have brought him to this place to this time of his life.
heart throbs in hours
before its call
stop the clock
You see? Like a post script within the prose.
My nephew has a piece published that might help describe its use.
http://www.forteanbureau.com/march2003/Hunt/index.html
Thank you for sharing this!
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thanks for the intro into the new poetry form... I did look at it and it was well interesting I guess... but I don't really do forms well. I have revised this poem once again and have it in a contest so I can't share it just yet with the world. It is a little different than this one. But is under the same name. I am glad that you found my writing interesting enough to comment on I do appreciate that very much! Thanks
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the ending is incredible.
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I think so too. Thanks for commenting.
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Oh my. This ending has stood out to me more than any ending I have ever read... because it beautifully made sense without trying. What imagery. It makes you feel cold and then warm and shiver at the unbelievable ending. Write on and good luck.
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wow great comment you have here. I liked the ending very much. It just wrote itself. It was the only thing that I knew I didn't want to change when I was working on this poem. Because I wanted the poem to be not just dark but to show a promise of light even in the darkest of times.
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Outstanding
What appealed to me most about this poem was the contrast between light and dark towards the end of the poem as if for all his suffering there was someone or something there to support him in his darkest hour- he doesn't want the light but it cannot be ignored. For me this means there is hope even in the darkest situation. A nintriguing poem with some thought behind it.
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thanks for commenting on this poem of mine. I liked the thoughts you had on it. And I am glad that you thought what I did that there is hope in the darkest of situations I was hoping to get that across to everyone. You are the first to have noticed it. Thanks for commenting.
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very beautiful piece, i loved it
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thank you for commenting I am glad that you liked it.
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Very Good
The imagery you used in this piece was so wonderful I felt almost like I was watching the scene take place instead of reading it. I love the metaphoric work in it. Actually my favorite part was stanza 4. Great work
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thank you for the coment on my work. I do appreciate it very much
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there was something beautiful about this suicide piece...dunno why? but it was done with such precise beauty.
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smile. Thanks for commenting
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personally hon, I like the depth of this....
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I am glad that you liked this. Thanks for commenting.
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It was really sad, but unlike andrew houtman, I don't think his suicide was so much scary as it was releasing...albeit a sympathetic relief.
Macabre/alarming as it seems, you've shed a warmer light on suicide's release.
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death even suicide doesn't have to be scary if you are truly ready for it. And in my tale he was. He accepted the light when it came for him. He didn't fight it. Didn't want to stay in his life as it was. Thanks for commenting on this.
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A little scary to think of the end as peace, where suicide is concerned, but, been there, done it. I have never read it put so beautifully. Long on the other side of it, thankfully. I think it's awesome
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I didn't want it to be scary. I wanted to get across that this person was accepting of death. Even ready for it. His life had become terrible. Painful. And he wanted it to end. And when the light came for him... well he didn't fight it... but accepted it willingly. Thanks for commenting on my poem.
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You have captured an essence I think we have all felt at one point in time. I think it is appropriate that you let the reader decide for themselves who is this letter from and why is this man so dreary and close to the end of his rope. It enables the reader to place themselves in the midst of this and to possibly play out what so many of us never give in to. Wonderful piece. Well thought out, and quite easy to read
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wow thanks for your comment. You are all so very wonderful to comment on this write. I love ya all for commenting and making me feel so much better about this write.
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I have to agree with CalistoAthena - you can't please 'em all. You have to be true to yourself and in this piece YOU see what you see and we either go with it or pass on by. For me this is sharp and detailed enough, the "whom" of the letter is unimportant, your "waiting wanting wishing" is, for me at any rate, beautiful and deep enough - I think that the overall look of the poem is very good and adds to the depression the depth and the feel of the whole piece.
Put it another way. I liked it.
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Smile. I am glad that you and callisto liked the poem. This truly means a whole lot to me. My friends are very important to me and to write something that meets their approval is a good thing to me.
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The poem is beautiful and sad and well-written.. I guess, Hon, you just can't please all of the people all of the time.. Maybe this guy is just looking for blood and guts and you didn't supply him enough of that kind of stuff.. I think the sadness, heartbreak and loneliness this man is feeling is expressed by you with great feeling and deepness of soul.. It's too bad this young man doesn't see it, it's his loss not yours.. Leave it and enter it into other contests where it's beauty can be appreciated by others..
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Thank you very much for your words... Smote said pretty much the same thing as you did. You guys and gals make me feel good when you say such wonderful things to me. I tend to take things to heart I guess I shouldn't. And I had thought the poem a good one... but then he said what he did and I began to doubt myself... I do that so easily I think but can't seem to stop myself. to you my dear dear one.
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I personally find your words to be metaphorically descriptive, graphically depicting the desolation and hopelessness that contributes to ending a life. I found nothing dull about it at all just very sad. Then again everyone is entitled to their opinion and if it's your contest then your opinion is the only one that counts. Well if it is your desire to re-enter I hope your wish is granted. God Bless my friend and Good luck. Jo-Ann
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I actually worked with several versions before I ended with this one. I thought it was well written but wondered about it when the poem was DQ'd and the words were said about it... I wondered what others would think. I agree I wasn't questioning the person who had the contest running. Everyone as a right to what they like and dislike. I was just wondering about what to do to make the poem better. I personally, liked it the way it is.
I don't know if he even will let me re-enter it again... should I do revise it yet again. And I am not all that sure that I can. And keep it with the same feel and meaning to it. But we shall see. Thanks for commenting. I am glad that you liked it. Made me feel a little better about the writing.
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This is a detailed analysis.
Alone in an abandoned and desolate hotel room
sits an ancient and bone weary man. (Ok, the scene is set.)
Exhausted and hurting he sits with his back
against the cold damp wall of his gloomy surroundings
waiting
wanting
wishing things could be otherwise.(Why is he wishing otherwise, wating for what? This is where you can start getting into his feelings, make it more personal.)
He is so weary of the circumstances
that have brought him to this place
to this time of his life.(Again, what circumstances? How about saying "the pain of his years bends him to fit this desolate room" or some such.)
He looks at the half empty bottle in his hands
slowly a tear falls gently into his lap landing upon a torn wrinkled letter.( from whom? does it matter? Could be fresher and give us more of an image - what's in the bottle, why does he crave it, etc.)
The dreariness that surrounds his soul (mighty deep)
slowly begins to fade as the alcohol and pills (pills)
that he had ingested earlier that evening
begins to take affect. (he's committing suicide? This could be more dramatic)
Suddenly to his dismay he notices that the room (Why is he dismayed?)
where it had once been cold and dark
now appears to be getting brighter.
Curiously he watches as the room
slowly begins to change
Inside the air had a warm feeling to it (has)
The cold dreary darkness was now being replaced with
a brighter warmer tone.
He looks up letting the warmth invade his tired weary Soul.
Finally at peace
With no longer any fear of the dark
He enters into the light. (a bit cliche, but okay.)
I'm responding to Phoenix's comments below and trying to juice this up a bit. You have a great story, just rethink it a bit. Get more "poetic", whatever that means to you.
I hope this is what you are looking for. I mean no disrespect - you're a great writer. Buff
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thank you for your time and words.. I will honestly look what you have said over and see what if anything I can come up with. I do appreciate your critique and suggestions. You did what I asked. Thanks again.
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on an emotional level this poem might work but what i'm really looking for is a complete package. Your words were a little dull to read. This could have been so much more descriptive and vivid.
What you do is tell us about the scene. What you don't do is take us into his mind, where the emotions would find a much better place. It could have possibly been a little more visual too.
Just my thoughts. If you're satisfied with the piece you don't need to change a thing about it. Just that it doesn't work too well for me. -
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okay I am willing to work some more on this... may I re-enter it into your contest? If it is still open that is?
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Sorry to say there are so many lost people like that.
They just have nothing to live for. Its a shame.
Great write Trek.
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It is a great piece, eye opening... love your BG as well...
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