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dulcinea.[escape, escape]

You had summer lungs; when you breathed, blue skies escaped from your tonsils and mingled with the wintry air.

I was broken stardust to you a bit more fractured than beautiful. I would occasionally cup my fingers around your plump cheeks and gazed into those moss green eyes looking for a sign that you were even a bit human. You stared back at me with a robotic look, you've seemed to have given up.

I've noticed  you've begun to have a fascination with pills. You mention to me that time you took so many that the world turned a shade of carmine and your heart stopped for exactly four minutes and eight seconds. I asked you what it was like to die and you told me,


'It's like being underwater for five minutes too long
you know you should probably come up for air but something
is holding you back. For once you're completely weightless
and nothing seems to hurt anymore'

---

You scratched the outer lining of my lungs in hopes of draining me of the beauty of breathing and making me equally as damaged as yourself.

Author notes

I use to be
N E X T . S T O P .V E G A S
but I'm now
S T AR G A Z E R .


Not complete still adding more.

A contest entry

.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • aanika
    May 19
    Edit | Reply
    last time i used rubrics for commenting, i was banned from ap so i'm just going to give you a final mark and if you'd like to see the breakdown, you can send me a message

    you seem to have some issues with grammar and to switch back and forth between tenses quite a bit. i loved the imagery and the underwater bit.

    OVERALL SCORE: 85/100


  • seafoam irises.
    May 11
    Edit | Reply
    Emotion: 16/20
    Spelling and Grammar: 9/10
    Effectiveness of Title, Beginning and Ending: 7/10
    Personal Opinion: 7/10
    Creativity/Originality: 6/10
    Relevance to Prompt Given: 10/10
    Imagery/Metaphor/Poetic Devices: 7/10
    Structure: 5/5
    Diction: 4/5
    Line-breaking/Flow: 5/5
    Impact: 4/5

    OVERALL SCORE: 80/100


    I felt like most of this was really unoriginal and like i'd read it before.

  • seafoam irises.
    April 20
    Edit | Reply
    please finish this in the next couple of days.


    • stargazer.
      April 20
      Edit | Reply
      I will I'm halfway done I'll post it most likely tomorrow.
      Sorry that I'm so late schools been chaotic lately.