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The sun and the moon created him...

Let this start
With the warmth of the sun
When it changes in a day's time

Gentle,
Strong,
Tan,
Mischievous hands want to play
To play a game
Of a seven year old

A child at heart
With a figure of a young man

The voices
From the beautiful craving
Of his simple lips
Are not his own
Yet
They are

The wildness
Of chocolate brown curls
Haves a poof to his crown of the head
Thickness
Yet soft to tangle the slightest fingers
Into the caves of twist and turns

Lids and lashes
Always kiss
From the forms
Of blinking and closing
Hiding
Two pools of curiosity
Dark yet light
To wonder
What are his thoughts or what is he like

The dark strokes of two brows
Create interesting,
Amusing expressions to his face

His body alone shows his strengths
While his mind shows his weakness and flaws

He is the sun
His touches welcome you
Either to warm you up
Or burn you from where you stand

When day's time is out
The sun disappears
The moon comes with a change
His happiness is not easy to break
But not easy to give it

The moon has a certain power controlling him
It hides his anger,
Sadness,
Loneliness
From the sun
And reveals it when the moon
Is high and full

The gentle hands
Turn into claws
The childish smile
Turned into a evil smirk
The niceness is gone

The darkness shows in his eyes
Leave his marks of anger
On the soft and tender of flesh

As the moon goes down
As the sun goes up

Smile
Smile that he haves flaws
Smile that he cares about others
Smile when he feels down
Because he will smile back
Just for time to stand still
To enjoy...
And remember...
Precious moments...

Author notes

*Write me a poem about the one you love

A contest entry

What did you learn

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Sheilasbabygal4life
    November 10
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    First off I must say this was a very good take on the prompt about the one you love. I enjoyed reading this. You can go too round 4. Thank you so much for entering and best of luck too you in round 4!


  • Heva Feva
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    Line 20- haves a poof ??
    Line 32- what is his could be what are his.
    Line 47- have should be has.
    Lines 36-37 are my favourite bits.
    I like how you started it, and I also like how you ended it. Good luck and thanks for entering.
    -heva


  • Maili Knephthan gold member
    May 29

    Edit | Reply
    Very nicely written I too fell in love with a man that rocks my world. I really like how this is worded and the depth of it. Thank you for sharing.


  • Night Terrors
    May 2

    Edit | Reply
    i can see why you woould love him very deep and well written!

    The Positives:
    I loved how it sounded read out loud. that is a big thing to me. You can have all the pretty words in the world but if it doesn't flow right you have lost me. You did such a great job


    Room For Improvement:
    Nothing I can see you did wonderful



    My Favorite Part:
    Smile
    Smile that he haves flaws
    Smile that he cares about others
    Smile when he feels down
    Because he will smile back
    Just for time to stand still
    To enjoy...
    And remember...
    Precious moments...

    He sounded like a great guy i loved this part
    Overall:

    I give this an 8/10 you did great. I hope to see you in my future contests thanks so much for entering.

    ~*~Apathetic Poison~*~


  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    April 28

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good piece, it went on a little more than I would have liked for impacts sake but I enjoyed it very much. Best to you in the contest


  • etoile
    April 13

    Edit | Reply
    this has some amazing imagery in it. one thing I would change is add some line breaks in to make this flow better and making it easier to read. otherwise this is such a nice poem.

    goodluck and thanks for entering


  • Babesface
    April 12

    Edit | Reply
    This poem has a lovely shape to it, with the variety of long lines and one-word lines. A nice story.
    Thanks for entering and good luck in the contes


  • Blue-Rose Beauty
    March 29
    Edit | Reply
    I like it. It's out though.


  • Umi Juvariel
    March 26

    Edit | Reply
    This felt a little drawn out. I feel that if you pulled it together into longer lines and broke it into stanzas it would really pop. Excellent write and good luck in my contest.


  • moonlitanime
    March 20
    Edit | Reply
    this poem has a great flow to your feelings of love


  • SoulfulBubbles
    March 20
    Edit | Reply
    it has a good flow,
    i liked it its pretty good

1 - 11 of 11