honeysuckle scent on the maglev,
last train running for the night,
and I am on my way
(back to you)
Spilled derv and the tracks slipping
careen and scream
wreckage on the subway
I guess that I will never see you again,
Those rough hands felt so nice on the back of my neck in the middle of the night but you forced me out and this is what happened.... this is the end result of your fear.
Author notes
MAGLEV is a train levitated magnetically and DERV is crude motor oil stuff
In a list
A contest entry
- Comments Contest Version 2.0 by Bean Sidhe.
700 points, ended April 3, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anti-mediocrity contest! Not entering insinuates you're boring...That doesn't sound like you! by Hungry Joe.
415 points, ended April 8, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I WANT ANYTHING! by Umi Juvariel.
4300 points, ended April 9, 369 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what do you think of this?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Wow. This was bitter, and almost felt like a murderer who killed their lover. But not without a good reason, mind you. This was well done, even as short as it was. Excellent write and good luck in my contest.
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Not bad at all. I normally see this style as pretentious twat, but this is actually quite good. Instead of looking like some Yoko Ono fan left lots of dramatic spaces, it gives the impression a rather decent work got lost, leaving only some of the best lines. Only problem, as with all these pieces, is that there's not much of it, and although that's the point, you still want to read more, because it is good. Good job, you git!
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Interesting concepts and your word choices add a deeper meaning to the piece as a whole. I love the formatting and there is a intense feeling all the way through the poem, which I found intoxicating as a reader.
The ending, usually, my favorite place in a poem, is spot on. I always find it so difficult to end a piece with the same magnitude it was begun with and here you've done the exact opposite, making this strange and unusual. It begins softly and romantically, like a love story, and ends with a massive collision, like a murder / suicide.
Nice job! Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest!
- Beán Sidħe -
Wow great write huni. I totaly felt this! X
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A rather eerie write, my friend. You've expressed your self quite well, as usual. Thanks for sharing this one with us.
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Aww how sad!
There's a lot of emotion portrayed here. Marvelous job!
I really love this, though the last few lines leave a tad depressed
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I really liked the words maglev and derv, so I kept them....lol.
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wise decision
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Very strong words here, I like the idea!
Great job!
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